V-Carded! An Twenty-something adult male's struggle with virginity and sexual frustration

The typical girl next door, indeed.

For all the shit I give men who poorly respond to my decoy duck female dating profile in our little experiment, we can’t forget that women tend to write poor profiles as well which tell you absolutely nothing about her. So in some ways, I guess sometimes men don’t have anything better to work with. Anyway, I got a big chuckle this morning when I headed over to Honey and Lance and read a post where Lance pieces together actual lines from female online profiles to form the stereotypical profile and it’s quite a hoot. Right down to the typical “I’ve never done this before” line, it’s dead on.

Go on…take a break and go blow a few minutes of your employer’s time, you’ve worked hard enough. I won’t tell.

A good float trip makes for a good weekend, and trying my damnedest to get women’s eyes to turn.

So over the weekend, I went down to a float trip along with an entourage of people from the raves/clubs. I ended up floating along with Rave Queen.

It occurs to me that I’ve never formally introduced her. I had intended to do that in the back story, but that entry ended up getting cut to move things along. In a nutshell, I first saw her probably about last year at a party when I had no idea who she was and couldn’t quite stop myself from glancing every now and then. Maybe it was the way she was dressed, I dunno. Time goes by and I find out that one of the prolific posters on the message board I hang out on to get nightlife information just happened to be her. This girl supports nearly every event in the city, so she’s quite beloved and popular for that reason. Since that time, she’s introduced herself to me and said hello on the odd occasion, but we never had any long term interaction for more than a minute or two until this weekend.

After getting to know her just a little bit better over the weekend I think I am no longer confused on the matter. She showed absolutely no signs of attraction towards me at all so that killed the deal, but in turn I don’t think I’m attracted to her after all. She is a very nice girl and I’m fond of her, but not in that way and she really isn’t my type. So I’m a bit relieved to know where my own feelings stand on the issue and while I will call her a friend, this is probably the last time you’ll hear about her on the blog.

But back to the float trip, there were definite positives…I made some friends/acquaintances who now recognize me on sight. This is good because not only is it always good to know more people, but it gives me social proof in the venues I frequent and this is more attractive to women than a wallflower with a drink in his hands. Part of the reason I bolted from the pool party last month was because I feared looking like a wallflower in an unfamiliar crowd. The more people you know, the less chance that can happen and the more fun you have.

In other news, I’ve been dieting and working out like a maniac lately to get the last bit of “chub” off and enhance my sexuality. One of the most important signs to look for in a woman is signs of attraction, such as a glance…which is your sign to get your butt over there. Only problem is that the women are never looking and then it drives me crazy to figure out what it is that is shutting their brains off to me. Maybe brown haired / brown eyed guys are boring, who knows.

Hopefully a more flattering body will distract girls away from my other flaws and besides…it’s always a good thing to be in better shape and healthier. It pisses me off to no end when I see an out of shape guy walk by with a babe on his arms while I’m thinner and have nothing. It’s not fair, but as I always say, LIFE ISN”T FAIR, so gotta do what I can to get around the situation.

Anyway, I’m happy to report that I’m only three/four pounds away from my personal best back in 2005, which means I’ve nearly dropped all of the twenty pounds I had put back on since that year. It’s nice to see the tape measure getting tighter. But there’s more work to do and my goal is to exceed my 2005 weight - I want to drop about 15-18 more pounds after that (or whatever it will take to get a flat chest).

Granted no one views me as fat and my clothing hides any little chubs still remaining. In fact, the guy in my raft along with Rave Queen and I during this weekend’s float said that our boat was the “skinny person boat” (versus the heavier people in the other raft who kept bottoming out on shallow waters), which made me feel good because I’ve never been put in the same sentence as “skinny” as a youth. But I’m not removing my shirt at the beach any time soon. I’m seeing all the fit guys get the women, so I think it’s high time I get to be one of the “beautiful people” and get a slice of the pie, heh.

Wakey wakey, open forum time!

Well, you’ve all been a quiet bunch lately. As such, I think it’s time for an open question on a topic I touched upon some time ago. When it comes to the study of relationships and human emotion, you can see that all over the place. It’s what’s going on in the bedroom that’s completely foreign to me.

So….do you practice safety (condoms, dental dams, etc) when it comes to oral sex?

I’ve heard the response to this before, things like “No, you need to be open with your partner” and “only lesbians use those.” But here’s the thing…you can ask your partner but you really can’t tell for sure - they might not be aware they’re carrying any STDs themselves. Second, I’m not really talking about partners who have been together a while but ones who recently started a sexual relationship. I’m always hearing that oral sex takes place in these situations so I find it interesting.

Are you aware you can contract an STD through unprotected oral sex? If so, do you simply not care? A heat / passion of the moment kind of thing? Indulge me, my non-celibate readers.

While you’re mulling that one over, I’m headed out for the weekend…and that weekend (to a degree) sort of involves Rave Queen. More details next week.

Damnit Jim, I’m a love doctor, not a pickup artist!

During the holidays I don’t follow that “Merry Christmahanakwanzakah” politically correct crap. So there’s no way in hell I’m showing the same discretion towards these guys who get offended at the “pickup artist” term and cry that they’re a guru, dating coach or whatever. Therefor I will label all following articles of this kind all the same whether the guys fall into the label or not.

So we have Doc Love - real name Thomas Hodges - who is definitely NOT a pickup artist…he’s a “Love Doctor.” Despite his different goals, many of his beliefs about being a secure, strong man to women go hand in hand with some of what the pickup artists teach. It’s not surprising because it’s a universal truth…if it weren’t then it would be the “nice guys/simps” who would have women flocking at their feet. That, and I wouldn’t be writing this blog right now.

So I’ve already established what Doc Love is NOT…let’s go ahead and talk about what he IS. Unlike the pickup artist game where the goal is to meet lots of women, Doc Love is about getting one good woman and keeping her. His book The System - comprised from 30 years of research and interviews with women - highlights the traits of choosing a good woman and how it’s “challenge” that keeps her interested and in love. It follows a message of viewing the “bottom line” - paying attention to how she really acts towards you and not following what she “says” she wants or feels. (Two different things, and so true.) He urges guys to pay attention to the woman’s interest level - not their own - as such emotions can blind men over how she really feels and acts towards him. Why deny what’s right in front of your eyes?

I’d say out of all the guys I’ve read from and studied, Doc is one of the ones who uses the most common sense logic versus radical ideas that have no method to their madness. But his weakness can be his old fashion views at times. I seem to remember that he used to insist on getting her home phone over her cell phone as it was more personal and not a screening tool. However, more people are using cell phones exclusively these days and really is the most personal number to some people. I’ve noticed in his recent articles and podcasts that he’s opened up to this a bit, at the very least urging guys not to settle for a cop-out business number.

The other problem is that he’s relationship-centric and offers little towards improving a man’s dating game, other than how “not” to act. While there’s nothing wrong with focusing on the relationship, how can a man get a relationship if he cannot attract a woman in the first place? Look back to my own story after I had read his book and you’ll notice that I was still not getting anywhere. I might of had the knowledge to know where I stood with someone, but I was still the same old guy giving off the signals that made women ignore me in the first place.

To other guys, I’m not saying to ignore Doc Love’s book, but be aware how it fits into your situation. Are you a sissy nice guy trying to break old misconceptions about love and dating and start reclaiming your masculinity? Pick up Doc’s book. Are you trying to learn how to attract and charm women? Put Doc Love’s book down and look for other books on pickup. Have you found a good woman and want to keep her happy? Put those pickup books back down and pick up Doc’s book again.

The System costs $99 and isn’t a bad deal compared to what other other guys charge for their materials. He also offers followup “Mastery” books but as far as I’m aware they are just a collection of his advice column (some of which already available on the web for free) so I wouldn’t bother with those. I do recommend his book “The System,” but be aware of my warning above. If you’d rather not spend that, you can still get plenty of free helpful advice and information through his online column as well as his podcast of his weekly radio show. I don’t see the other two guys I previously talked about offering any free weekly columns/posts or radio shows lately.

He’s been highly influential on me and I’ll go as far to say that he “saved me” from myself, and to the guys out there, I hope his advice might be helpful in some way to you as well.

Let’s log in and see if we have any winners amongst losers today!

Time again for another round of emails to evaluate from our decoy duck online dating profile! To all the guys out there, ever wonder why you email and email prospective matches and never hear back? Maybe it’s not necessarily because it’s you, but because she already has to deal with responses like the ones we’re highlighting here. So read and learn, we have only a few more rounds left of these articles.

But today, I’m not going alone at it. I am joined by The Beautiful Kind to help evaluate these letters. Let’s dive in!

A 25 year old man writes…

“Hey there, Im XXX. Yeah I like your profile. It is important to have as much fun as we can while we are young, and hitting up the clubs together is fun, but meeting people at those places just is not even worth the time anymore. I actually try to be a nice guy and a gentlemen, and that generally gets me no where, especially in those type of places so I just dont bother lol. So I am actually Mr. Romance and it is great when it is actually appreciated. I am looking for someone who is interested in having a great time together and becoming close and going from there. Well that is me in a brief summary.”

The Virgin: This is one of those guys desperately trying to convince her that he’s sooooo romantic and a gentleman. Aside from that, it’s not a horrible letter but there’s nothing special about it either. By the way, “it’s important to have as much fun as we can while we are young?” If he thinks that you can’t have fun when you’re older, then what incentive is there to stay with him?

The Beautiful Kind: Avoid men with little boy names. He cleverly plays the “lol” dance with her, showing her that he can be light hearted too. He is suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome which can also suggest that he is DULL.

A 27 year old man writes…

“Well if you are looking for a southern gentleman then look no farther. So tell me about yourself. What do you do for a living? Where did you go to school? I am sorry my name is Garrett. I need to get beter at that! lol. Well hope to hear from you.”

The Virgin: I can’t show the photo but he does indeed give off the look of a southern gentleman. Good picture of him, nice pleasant smile that I wish I had. But he needs to work on the letter. Aside from severe spelling and punctuation problems, he instantly goes into the “job interview” with the questions about her work and job.

The Beautiful Kind: I dunno, I think a Southern gentleman would do a better job of introducing himself. And it’s good manners to answer the same questions you ask the other person. He should have told something more about himself. And is he really willing to meet 99 yr old women? That’s pretty cool. And it is a nice photo, women WANT to see men smile. So many dude profile pics look like mug shots.

A 25 year old man writes…

“How are you?”

The Virgin: Fine.

The Beautiful Kind: Delete.

A 26 year old man writes…

“you seem cool. you caught my eye. it would be cool if we could talk sometime. im interested. I dont know what else to say. just let me know if you would be interested. ttyl. have a good day”

Three weeks later he writes again…

“you seem cool. id love to talk sometime I Love the dog. have a great day”

Then on the SAME DAY as that response, yet another letter…

“so Id like to learn more about you.”

The Virgin: I have to wonder if he’s either trying way too hard, or he has such a short-term memory that he doesn’t realize he’s emailed the same girl three times in a row over a span of three weeks…..twice in the same day!

The Beautiful Kind: Repetitive caveman grunting, yesss! Notice how he offers zero information about himself, he’s at a loss for words. So vapid, so lackluster, I’ve read more exciting used car sales ads.

Mystery’s protege and partner in crime…and it appears the man learned well. Too well.

Neil Strauss - aka Style - is the author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of PIckup Artists. In the book he details his transformation from an average joe getting absolutely nowhere to a master pickup artist very successful with women. He also details his relationship with his partner-in-crime Mystery as well as other artists in the (then) underground community and the implosion of Project Hollywood, a mansion full of pickup artists. As he learned his trade from Mystery (and built upon it), his methods and beliefs are practically based upon The Mystery Method. I’m not going to waste my time going too much into his life as it’s all detailed in the book. Let’s talk about the “after” instead.

At the end of The Game, Style came to the conclusion that “to win the game was to leave it” and he settled down with girlfriend Lisa Leveridge, guitar player for Courtney Love. Following the success of the book, Style announced that he was getting out of the game and would pass on his knowledge to five individuals during a three-day seminar, becoming the last to gain his knowledge. Well, not quite. The recorded seminar was then sold to the public in a collection of DVDs, CDs and other material called “The Annihilation Method.” Style announced that only 375 copies would be sold (always “limited”). Oh yeah, and the set had a price tag of $3799. That is NOT a typo.

Going back to the book, Style hit the daytime TV circuit and even popped up on The View to promote his book. How many guys out there are watching The View anyway? That, and the four hens couldn’t go five seconds in the segment without cutting him off and interjecting. The whole painful segment can be seen here. (And to the one clucking hen, YES, the guys out there who are 26 and never held a woman’s hand ARE legit!)

Style may of had a “fairytale” ending at the end of The Game, but reality hit hard when his relationship with Lisa Leveridge dissolved. Despite “retiring,” Style went right back into his trade. In the summer of 2006, Style had a contest called “The Stylelife Challenge” where over the span of thirty days, daily challenges were given to guys to improve their confidence and appearance in the ultimate goal of getting a date within 30 days.

At one point the option for the movie rights to The Game was out there and causing guys on message boards to freak out that they’d be “exposed.” After some time, Neil sent out a mailing list message and shed some light on the movie rights situation as well as his future…

“Because I had no idea how successful The Game would be, I allowed a certain type of film option that I wouldn’t grant now. That film option bit me in the ass. It made it practically impossible to do certain things that would help the broadest amount of guys in the best way possible. These were things I’d dreamed about, things guys have been asking me for, things that would allow them to replicate my journey through a much quicker and easier route.

It saddened me to see more and more teachers out there who don’t really care. And who don’t have any real field experience or social skills. And who exploit my name in order to take the hard-earned money of people who have a real desire to master the game.

Well, that’s all about to end. The film option is now mine again.

So all the guys who are worried about The Game suddenly becoming a mainstream movie can breathe easy for now. I’m officially free to do something special for you. Something that’s never been done
 before.”

That “something special” ended up being an online “training program” of sorts called The Stylelife Academy, costing about $80 a month (with $50 setup fee). I’m not really sure how a studio having the option to the movie rights to The Game would prevent him from doing something like the academy anyway, but whatever. The program would only be taking on 505 students (again with the “limited” thing), but despite trumpeting this it ended up opening it’s doors later to everyone with an “Afterhours program” with no assigned coaching. Anyway, the academy revolved around daily assignments to better yourself such as talking to two strangers or whatnot.

If the above sounds similar to the free Stylelife Challenges above, you’re correct. I don’t know what they’re doing today, but at least during the first few months of the launch of the academy many of the daily challenges were rehashes of the Stylelife Challenge. There were some other benefits like teleconferencing and monthly packages involving CDs/DVDs and newsletters, but ultimately was not worth the price. I want to keep things rolling along but if you’re wanting a harsh but fairly accurate and more indepth description of the whole experience, then read this review from this site (I was a 505er too and agree with just about all of it).

Style later released another book called Rules of the Game. As The Game was more autobiographical, Rules of the Game is more instructional as it gives out daily challenges to help improve your social life. Yep, you guessed it….it’s another version of the Stylelife Challenge. I guess I can’t blame him for publishing it as the challenge had not been available anywhere else but the web at this point, but I wonder how many guys bought the book that were already familiar with this?

Meanwhile, another company got a hold of the rights to a movie version of The Game.  You can count on guys fearing for the worst when that hit the theatres. That, and I’m sure Style will be offering something off the success of that…possibly involving the words “stylelife” and “challenge” again

Style has been accused of being a marketer as this controversial but poignant article points out - as well as this article, and I can’t really argue with many of the points with that. I do think he seems like a nice, decent guy and has indeed helped a lot of guys out there, but he does reek of marketing techniques. I work in the marketing/advertising world as well and I can spot the tactics there. All in all, I think Style almost falls into the same category as Mystery…too inaccessible and expensive now. In other words, I wouldn’t count on him posting anything to the free newsgroups anytime soon.

The $3799 Annihilation Method was only available for a short time and even if you were insane enough to pay that you can’t buy that anymore anyway. The academy is still around but I definitely wouldn’t shell out a dime for that. I probably would take the time to read The Game, it’s a very good story that many awkward guys can easily relate to, won’t break your wallet and can be found in your local Borders or Barnes and Noble.

Well, no better pickup artist to start with than the most recognizable one.

Many people first became familiar with Erik von Markovik - better known by his alias “Mystery” - in the book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists as one of the central characters, then later as the host of the reality show VH-1’s The Pickup Artist.

Mystery is easily identifiable by his extremely unusual clothing consisting from fuzzy hats, goggles and even painted fingernails. Not only does this add to his mystique as a magician and performer, but this also goes along with his “peacock theory” that makes him stand out from other men in a crowd.

Mystery’s way of seduction is called The Mystery Method, a system that breaks up the courting process into nine different stages and three different categories, attraction, comfort and seduction and works best with attractive women who are always getting hit on. It also bases it’s principals on evolutionary psychology which I heavily believe in after reading some of the same books on the same subject that other pickup artists have. Originally sold as a $70 eBook, the Mystery Method was eventually published and can now be found in your local bookstore for about $20.

There’s a lot I’ve learned from Mystery and he is very smart about the psychology behind the game. But I do have some issues with him as well. For one, I’m not much of a fan of the scripted game. Sure, it works well for some guys and to them I say not to stop what they’re doing if it’s working. But sooner or later women are going to get too familiar with the various opinion openers and techniques…even more so thanks to the VH-1 show. I personally think you’ll fly far more below the radar with a natural game than a systematic one.

Another problem I have is his infield videos…at least in the ones I’ve seen the women appear to know full well that they’re being filmed. This is apparent in VH-1’s The Pickup Artist as well as some of his footage on his Mind of Mystery DVDs. Even if they don’t straight-up admit that they’re filming a pickup, it’s still a crutch as people are going to be inquisitive about the cameras and not act the same as they normally would.

Speaking of his Mind of Mystery DVD set, that came out on the heels of the success of his TV show - only available for a short time in a limited number *coughmarketingcough* - and it contained 21 DVDs, 13 CDs and other content which was boasted as being Mystery’s “magnum opus.” The set got a lot of flack on message boards due to the extremely high cost of $2400 (gulp), the production values as well as the padding on the DVDs - some of those 21 DVDs are only 20-30 minutes long.

Something else to point out about Mystery is that not only is he dominantly tall, but he’s a performer and a magician…traits that would make him attractive to women regardless of his techniques. He’s now all the more attractive and higher value now that he’s been on TV as well. Keep this in mind.

I don’t blame Mystery for making money off his skill, but I think he’s become far too expensive and mainstream for an average joe to afford learning off of. My advice for men to read his book The Mystery Method: How To Get Beautiful Women Into Bed. It’s only a reasonable $20 and it’s an interesting read on how desired women subconsciously think and why. The man does know his stuff and much of it makes a lot of sense.

That book is all that I would get from Mystery. Take the TV show with a grain of salt (eyebrows were raised last year when several of the “dweebs” on the show had acting and/or modeling on their resumes), and don’t buy any overpriced DVD set. The book up there will do you fine.

The internet’s dot com bubble bursted in the late 90s…will the seduction community share a similar fate a decade later?

“With no guile and no game, there’s no girl.”

~Hitch

So very true. Of course I’ve heard guys out there respond to this by saying “Duh…but *I* have no game and I get women.” Either these kind of guys need to be asked what *kind* of women they’re getting, are exaggerating and is with one woman, or they’re simply being modest and they are better than they give themselves credit for. Yes, some men know game naturally. For others, they are willing to pay money to learn game, and there’s certainly no shortage of pickup artists/gurus in the seduction community out there to teach men.

But…I think the whole seduction community is on the verge of a bubble that is about to burst. Years ago it was just a few main guys selling their products along with the exchange of information on usenet boards. Then the students of those men went on to start their own business selling products and/or bootcamps. Now it’s getting to the point that the students of those students are breaking out on their own. It’s creating far too much product out there all containing variations of the same stuff.

So yes, oversaturation is one problem…overpriced is another. My problem with it all is that some of these products and bootcamps are priced so far out of the hands of the younger, clueless people who need it the most! In the book The Game, Neil Strauss paid $500 to learn from Mystery. While some people out there would think that’s overpriced, it was a freakin’ bargain compared to what’s such things cost today. Depending on who is teaching them, you can pay upwards of $1500+ on a bootcamp. In more extreme cases, some have offered “limited number” DVD collections costing as high as $3799.

Not that I don’t think they shouldn’t make money off their efforts…being financially successful from doing what you love is the American dream. However, it’s still quite possible to sell your products at a reasonable price and still make lots of money getting it into more hands…without those hands turning to BitTorrent in retaliation.

I know someone out there will argue that the benefit in the information being priced so high is that it keeps it out of the hands of people who aren’t serious and will keep the pickup artist community “underground.” I think the moment that stuff like best-selling books and reality TV shows hit the market that it lost all credibility of being “underground.” To put things in perspective, even my 56-year-old mother knows who Mystery is.

There is another aspect that I’m looking at that makes me believe even more in the bubble. Girls are starting to pick up on this stuff and identify that one line is “a Mystery line,” or that another one “she read about in The Game.” Go on any seduction message board in the field reports and you’ll hear about a guy who got busted on his scripts. Of course the usual responses are things like “she won’t care you’re gaming her if she’s into you,” or “there will always be ways to lay girls,” or my favorite “you’re not supposed to use the techniques in the book as is, you gotta change them.”

None of that matters if she can generally identify an opinion opener, a neg or a time constraint, all which you can thank the book and the TV show for. While there is some truth in the above, girls aren’t stupid and I do think the guys out there know this. Whenever the game is threatened to be revealed to the mainstream (such as the one-time proposed movie rights to The Game or VH1’s The Pickup Artist), you can read all about guys freaking the fuck out on message boards.

Which is why natural game makes more sense to me. If you are able to seduce a woman using your own natural charm and your own thunder, then your game is your own original product….not something being recycled by a ton of guys out there. You’ll never have to be fearful of the media “exposing you,” either.

Not that I don’t think the scripted game has it’s lessons to be learned, because there is a lot of truth in what those kinds of pickup artists teach as well. Whether I paid for it or used “other” means to get their products, I have read and heard much from the writings of a lot of gurus out who have been impressional on me in one way or another. In upcoming entries on my blog, I’m going to be running down my opinion of different pickup artists and my advice and thoughts to those who might seek out their information.

They say having a TV in the bedroom is detrimental to sex, but this guy begs to differ.

I saw this on a message board copy and pasted from Craigs List’s Orlando board. Unsurprisingly the post has been flagged for removal, so I can only paste the remnants here. Uh ladies, what are you waiting for….get on this!

Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, “MORE”, “HARDER”, “YES”, “FUCK ME”, but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like “OH GOD”, “YES”, OR “IT HURTS” no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like “Thanks”, “It was great”, “I loved it”, “Don’t stop”

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.

How can I overlook this guy? Generation after generation of teens have been witnessing and learning from his blunders through rerun hell over the past fifteen years.

Two things have been static in my life since the early 90s. The first is that I’m still a virgin. The other is that Saved by the Bell continues to play in endless syndication hell on TBS.

The star of the show is Zack Morris, a good looking, charming and scheming teenager just trying to get by in school, avoid trouble from principal Richard Belding, make a few bucks on the side and gain the affections of Kelly Kapowski, head cheerleader and the most popular girl in school. And that’s the problem right there.

Throughout the first part of the NBC/High School era of the show, Zack constantly pursues and chases Kelly in which she finally gives in. Zack is always kissing her butt and putting her on a pedestal. But does Kelly exactly swoon? Or does she go along for the ride until something else happens? During the early season 3 episode “The Last Dance,” we get our answer.

Kelly gets a job at the local hangout “The Max” as a waitress and is smitten with her boss Jeff, a cute, mature and charming sophomore in college that supersedes High School boy Zack in every way. Kelly is chattering with her other friends Jesse and Lisa over all things Jeff, even knowing his shoe size of 10 1/2. (Hey, that’s my size!) Lisa calls Kelly out on the fact that she’s feeling something for him, which Kelly responds “Get out! Just because he’s hot….” before catching herself.

Jeff and Kelly are cleaning up before closing, things happen and he ends up boldly kissing her…which she doesn’t exactly fight off. She stands up and lets him have a second shot at her until she backs away and runs out. The next day, Jeff tells Kelly that he hoped he hadn’t caused any problems. “Jeff, the problem is…I liked it,” she replies.

During band practice (cause the teens in such shows are always in bands), Zack questions the other guys if they’ve noticed anything funny with Kelly lately, blaming it on his imagination until Screech makes an inadvertent and pertinent observation which alarms Zack.

At the dance, Jesse questions Kelly’s erratic behavior and she admits that she can’t get Jeff off her mind.  Zack’s confirms his suspicions and takes her outside to question her. “Kelly, what happened? I…I thought you loved me,” he asks. “I do love you Zack…it wasn’t supposed to be this way.” The question is…does she love him as a lover or a friend? I’d say it’s the latter, Kelly even says so herself later on in the series! (read on)

In the episode “The Aftermath,” Zack is angry over the fallout and we see hints of his obsession over Kelly. From his locker full of her pictures to his textbook cover with doodles like “Kelly and Zack Forever” and “Kelly Morris.” At one point, Zack throws a temper tantrum the next day and violently clears his locker of her jacket, her sweater, her lucky pom-poms and other miscellaneous items that makes you wonder if he was planning to wear…which would be appropriate really. Zack eventually comes to his senses, apologizes to Kelly and goes on to romance other women through the rest of the series with trial, error and lazy writer’s short-term memories (Hello…Zack and Lisa?). But the question is, does he learn from all his mistakes? That would be a resounding NO.

We move on to the show’s next incarnation Saved by the Bell: The College Years as Zack once again tries to pursue Kelly. Unfortunately college boys aren’t good enough for Kelly anymore and shoots higher… she starts an affair with her 32-year-old anthropology professor Jeremiah Lasky.

Like before with Jeff, Lasky has the “older man” qualities that completely supersede Zack and Kelly certainly notices….taking every opportunity to “talk to him about her term paper” or agreeing to babysit his daughter (standing up Zack for a dinner date in the process). Despite treating him like a total chump / afterthought and even flat out telling him “no” (“Zack, look…I’ll always love you as a friend, but this is different. This is a mature man…a man I can see spending the rest of my life with.”), Zack doesn’t take the hint and tries various tactics to woo Kelly away, such as disguising himself in the same Zorro outfit as Lasky is wearing at a ball to steal a kiss from Kelly.

Lasky eventually rejects Kelly and admits that he didn’t have any feelings for her, preferring to inform her now than later on when it’s too late. Zack takes advantage of the situation by playing “Mr. Shoulder-to-lean-on” and tries again for a tender moment but gets burned and Kelly simply repeats her friendship offer. In truth, Lasky’s rejection only drives Kelly more nuts over him and Zack resorts to even more lame tricks and orbiting methods to turn it around.

Kelly finally realizes it’s just not going to happen with Lasky so she starts seeing Zack again as a consolation prize. But this isn’t good enough for him as he “demands to know” if she loves him or not and flips out when she’s planning on leaving for three months for a “Semester on the Sea” cruise. Zack tells her that she shouldn’t go, that they should be together always and admits that “he lost her once, he’s not going to lose her again.”

It’s in that moment that Zack plays his last trump card to keep Kelly in his pocket….he PROPOSES to her. Kelly is taken off guard and tells him that she needs to think about this. (She didn’t sound so indecisive over spending the rest of her life with Lasky…..) But TV shows always have to leave off with a happy ending, so in awfully convenient “deus ex machina” fashion she eventually agrees, declines going on the cruise and they marry during the TV movie “Saved By the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas” which brings the series to a close. (Not counting that “New Class” crap that ran far longer than it should have.)

Personally, I am still waiting on Saved by the Bell: The Divorce to happen. Anyway, Zack is unique from our other Hall of Shame winners because he has the goods and personality to easily win women. Keeping them is the problem. Looking at the way he acted in the series (especially The College Years), I’m not surprised why Kelly kept falling for older men. Then again, I’m not sure Zack had too many other options to begin with. Wasn’t there only like six-ten students in total at Bayside High? The cast weren’t always the prom kings/queens, contest winners, class officers and valedictorians for their charming personalities, after all.

Teens today watch this show - as did I during it’s original run on NBC - and witnessing Zack sends the message to chase-chase-chase, wear her down and you’ll eventually win the girl. Yet the hilarious thing is that the girl was visibly rejecting all along. Ah Zack Morris…you were a lady killer back in 1991. You’re in good company, I know another star from that year who is also a lady killer.

Meet Buffalo Bill and he’s your award…tuck it between the legs son. Teen magazine won’t be calling any time soon.

“You cannot achieve success without the risk of failure. And I learned a long time ago you cannot achieve success if you fear failure. If you’re not afraid to fail…man, you’ll have the chance to succeed. But you’re never going to get there unless you risk it all the way.

I was a failure. Sometimes half the fun is failing! Learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning and saying ‘Okay…watch out, here I come again! A little bit smarter, licking my wounds and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday. So now, I’m just a little more dangerous.’”

~Paul Heyman, The Rise and Fall of ECW

Now I know…and knowing is half the battle. Or so some cartoon soldier guys say.

Heh…I look back on my life and while I thought it was boring, I realize that maybe I had a more colorful life then I thought I had. While some of it is things that I should never have had to deal with, others experiences I wouldn’t have traded for the world. Anyway, let’s play a “what if?” scenario. What if I had never read that book that day? How different would my situation be?

Well…I admit that I do think I might have had sex by now. But how? Continuing to chase and beg women around until one woman had nothing better to do that night and I “got lucky?” Maybe I would have married her and she would eventually get sick of the act and divorce me for a real man. Not only would I be losing a chuck of my own hard earned money towards alimony or divorce fees, but I would be sitting around moping over her leaving me and not living life by my terms. I would probably weigh closer to 400lbs now, too. And for what…a little self-validation and a piece of ass?

I tell you one thing…I don’t play life by “luck.” I prefer to make things happen myself, and none of the good that happened in my life (weight loss, career success, re-education) would not have happened if I hadn’t turned my life back around. So even if I had to postpone my sex life to make such improvements, never - I repeat - NEVER FOR A MOMENT have I ever regretted the path I took. I ended up gained something far more valuable in return - my strength and my self respect. Granted, hard times come along and you tend to lose sight of that, but it’s always there.

I wrote so candidly of a few of my friends’ dating and marriage disasters because they’re excellent examples as to just how dangerous and costly it is to underestimate our emotions and overestimate the partner’s emotions. These aren’t unique stories - variations of these same situations are going on all over the globe today with families, friends, coworkers and many others. There are no such thing as “games,” EVERYTHING we do is simply mating strategies that will put us in the best scenario to choose another partner with strong qualities and pass along our genes to the next generation. Unfortunately, modern society and the sexual revolution has completely changed the field and for men in particular, being a “polite gentleman” is no longer good enough to attract women in this new age. As such, it’s time to adapt or die.

As for myself, where did it go wrong for me? Was it caused by my turbulent home life as a child? Possibly, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it, honestly. I had that revelation a while back about Aspergers and that’s closer to the mark, but I don’t know for sure if I even have that. Even if I did, I don’t think it stops there. Instead, after I had departed from the pool party at the lake a few weeks ago I had a big revelation.

When I was a teenager, I made friends with others like me who weren’t the most popular and also a bit introverted (with the exception of The Friend). We were outcasts and didn’t try and be social with our peers….because we didn’t have to. We had each other and that was enough. But there’s the problem right there. Failing to learn social skills as a child will come back to bite you in the butt….your friends eventually grow apart / abandon you and you lack the ability to meet new people to replace them. And here’s my point - if you can’t make guys think you’re great, just what chance do you stand with women? Go on, buy all the eBooks and CDs/DVDs from seduction gurus that you can…it won’t do you ANY GOOD if you still can’t fix that.

Unlike when you’re younger, it’s far more difficult to change your personality later on in life. As such, it’s a very real possibility that I lack the ability to connect with people at a deep enough level, especially sexually. If that’s the case, I may have to learn to accept that I might be a virgin the rest of my life. After being alone for so long, I honestly do not know if I have it in me to be intimate with someone.

But to the young men out there…it is not too late for you and it is for YOU that I write for…guys who need help just as badly as I desperately needed as a teenager. What absolutely irritates me is the seduction “gurus” out there who price their products and information so exorbitantly out of the hands of the people that need it the most!

Men who are successful with women are all around you. They are not losers or manipulators (women wouldn’t be with them otherwise) nor are they your enemies, they are your friends. Look and study to what they’re doing and look away from what those out-of-touch, aging dating advice people who says how a man should act. Whether you call them nice guys, simps, AFCs or wussies, don’t make the same mistakes I did when I was young and be one of those guys. Always pay attention to what the women in your lives are DOING, not saying. Don’t keep anyone who won’t keep you. Most importantly, open your eyes and see things the way they really are, not what you or her want them to be!

For all the bad women around, there are awesome ones out there who are absolutely worth your time and attention. But you won’t meet these women if you get desperate and latch on to the first thing that comes along. Do most employers hire the first interviewee? The only way to have options and pick the right person for the job is to meet lots of people. And remember, no matter what vows or promises they give early on, people fall out of love just as quickly as they fall into it. Never forget that.

If any of this gets through to even one person who stops and realizes just how they’re acting, then spending so many hours writing for my blog was well worth it.

As for myself, I can’t say what the future holds…..what comes, may (shrugs). I’ve had some successes as well as fallen flat on my ass, but all you can do is dust yourself off and try again the next day. Whether you found my views controversial or I gave you some interesting food for thought, I thank you for reading my story. In the next post, I will be providing a quote from a very unlikely source - a pro-wrestling documentary. But unlike wrestling, it’s not scripted and is so true to life that I share it to close out this story.

I had learned so much and come so far, yet one last obstacle remained.

Despite the revelation that I had now mastered my emotions and attachments that I could not control in my youth, the fact of the matter is that I was still a virgin. This was not due to faulty knowledge as everything I had learned had been proven to my own eyes. Girls sleep with the playboys for a reason and I knew why. But what was still holding me back?

There was one more puzzle to solve. I had to confront myself. Figure out where I was having problems and why. Fix that part of my life so I could move on. The only question was how.

I then considered that I had always loved to write and how therapeutic it was to me. Maybe writing about my life would bring up things I hadn’t thought about in years and help put everything in perspective. It was settled.

I set up a WordPress blog and after giving it some thought, I gave it a name and registered my own URL. Once the database was set up and everything was ready to go, I sat down and began to type my first sentence.

“I am about to make the bravest statement of my life: I am a twenty-something male who’s still v-carded….”

There wasn’t anyone else in the world that I loved to give hell to more than you.

Okay…this summer is going to suck for several reasons. First off, all the interns are now gone and they’re not planning to get any more in. Phooey. Worse yet, The Director has left the company and as such, you won’t hear much about her anymore. Took me by surprise.

“Damn, now who am I gonna rip on?” I asked my coworkers. They gave me suggestions, including The Boss. Eh, but it’s not the same. Whenever I bust on The Boss, she just sort of giggles. It was The Director who affectionately responded with “God damn it, I’m gonna kick your ass,” whenever you pulled something on her. We had something special.

Sigh…I guess I’m going to have to find something else to amuse myself at work this summer. I guess I could start a rubber band ball…

No longer would I be a slave to my emotions…I had done it. I had mastered self-control.

The Boss is very beautiful. Down to earth, successful and has an absolutely adorable giggle. She has exactly the kind of look that I like in a woman, in fact, she is somewhat a combination in looks to my high school and college crush. When you look back at all three of my major crushes in the past story, The Boss could easily have been the fourth girl for me to get majorly attached to. It all makes sense on paper, unlike some looker that catches your eye on the street, I frequently interacted with those other girls on a daily basis and I do the same with The Boss.

One day, we were in conversation and I caught mention of her boyfriend. “That sucks, oh well…” I thought to myself as I went back to my desk. As I was sitting there, something hit me……it was how I was acting. Or more specifically, how I *wasn’t* acting. I didn’t care. I really didn’t care.

Oh sure, it’s annoying…..they ALWAYS have a borefriend. (Or DO they? More on this topic at a later time!) But aside from that…I thought back to the past about how absolutely crushed and desperate I got when I found out that the respective women I fancied were already spoken for. In fact, it only made me pine for them more. But it wasn’t that way any longer. Many days I honestly forget that she is an attractive woman and just view her as she is…my boss.

I am uncertain whether years of solitude and rejection as a nice guy - along with observing (as a third party) the darker side of human sexuality and love - has hardened me and short circuited my emotions out. What I did know with complete certainty was that I could now suppress and control them. My long solitude in abstinence has had other benefits as well…I can’t be controlled by sex. Threatening to withhold or use sex against me is like telling a former P.O.W. who starved for years in a prison camp that he’s not getting any dessert with his dinner.

All this comes at a price though…I really don’t know if I can ever have that feeling of “love” again for “the one.” Then again, would I really want to go back to the way things were before? At least I do everything on my terms now, and I’m never going to go back to that creepy, wimpy dooshbag that I was.