V-Carded! An Twenty-something adult male's struggle with virginity and sexual frustration

How would my life have drastically been altered if things went differently on the bus on that day?

Do you remember your first crush? (Blows dust off sixth grade yearbook)

Mine…it was on the bus one day. I was sitting by myself in one of the seats when a girl made herself at home next to me. I looked over and saw a skinny girl with permed blond hair wearing a pair of purple outlined glasses that made her look nerdy…yet they betrayed her true looks underneath. This frizzy haired girl was a girl I recognized from my history class.

Her name alone was interesting. The name of other girls in my school were awful plain, you had your Ashleys, Julies, Amandas, Ambers, etc. Until now, I had never heard a pretty name like hers before. Anyway, I went back to staring out the window until a few minutes later when she finally addressed me.

“You’re ?#@*&%!, aren’t you?”

I looked over and saw her looking at me. She leaned forward and slightly down as if to try and look in my eyes and meet them on their level. I was no different back then than I am now, I simply answered questions bluntly and asked none in return, often turning back to staring out the window. But she did her damnedest to strike up conversation and was interested in many questions about myself, which I answered completely straight and curt. Even with a poor conversation partner, she was fixed on me the whole time. We finally arrived at our destination and that was that.

I don’t know why I was that way to her…I wasn’t wanting to be mean, but she had taken me off guard and I didn’t know what to say. I also didn’t believe that she was really interested in me, she could have just been trying to be friendly for all I know. Yet, there’s something to be said about the interest level of a girl who is completely persistent with a stubborn man, and somehow this act got my attention.

Yet I never could work up any courage to approach her again. What would the other girls have said if I got burned? Word passes around quickly in school. So basically I did what most guys did with a pretty girl they couldn’t approach - kept her in the corner of my eye for most of that year. It was a situation where simply being close to her made you look forward to the day and it was a safe place to be in.

But fate dealt a cruel hand. Later that year, her family was moving far away and she would be leaving school. Of ALLLLL the girls in that school who I could give two craps about if they moved to Antarctica, it HAD to be her. I was CRUSHED. To say that the rest of my sixth grade year was pretty dismal was an understatement. Her last day came and went and I never saw her again.

I was about to complete this entry right here, but then my curiosity got the better of me and I remembered the tool I had in front of me now that I didn’t have then. Could she possibly be found on the net?

I came across a staff page for an elementary school in THIS state several hundred miles southwest of here. On that page was a photo of a fifth grade female teacher bearing the same full name I searched for. The hair didn’t look like I remembered it. The glasses weren’t there, either. But the eyes were familiar. I compared the yearbook photo with this current picture and noticed the facial features were identical, from the width between her eyes right down to the shape of her nose. I’m almost positive it was her. If I imagine the frizzy blond hair and the glasses on that photo it’s exactly how I remembered her.

The past is the past and I’m probably a long and forgotten memory to her anyway now. But sixteen years later…if this is indeed her, I finally do get a sense of closure as to knowing where she went after 1992. She has become a fine looking woman and I hope she’s happy in her career and life, whatever that has become.

But I think she needs those dorky glasses again…

Posted April 12th, 2008 in Adolescence

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