V-Carded! An Twenty-something adult male's struggle with virginity and sexual frustration

Why is a virgin giving advice? Because I’m awake and proof to what DOESN’T work? Naw, I just like amusing myself.

An online dating website never sleeps; that means it’s time for the next edition of FFE! In case you’re not up to speed, I’ve created a “decoy duck” profile of a 23-year-old young woman who is seeking a man aged 21-28. Emails are posted as is and unaltered (other than removing names and locations). Our girl’s inbox is looking something like this…

Stats as of June 7th:

Inbox: 51
Winks: 163
Views: 1324

A 30-year-old man writes…

“Hi XXX. Did you make it to the lake this weekend?”

The Virgin: Well, well…someone is paying attention and read the profile carefully. Out of all the generic conversational trap bait I put (such as the picture of her dog), he bypasses all that and mentions a discreet interest in her profile. The email is an open ended question and to the point, so I gotta give him some points. However, it’s also very short with a weak subject line and I’m afraid it would get lost in a sea of other emails. Still, I think I will give this guy half a cookie.

A 32-year-old man writes…

“Hi there. Just wanted to say hello and tell you I liked your profile and I would like to chat with you sometime. Give mea shout sometime if you would like to learn more about me. Talk soon, XXX….”

The Virgin: How many other profiles did he respond to with this cut-and-paste response? But then the next day after he doesn’t get an immediate response, I hear from him again…

Love the Dog by the way

The Virgin: Gee…thanks.

A 36-year-old man (with no photo) writes…

“Any interest in a older man to spoil you rotten:)

I do have pics if interested

XXXXX on yahoo IM

I am a true gentleman”

The Virgin: If you have pics, then why not put them on your profile? Otherwise…..nah fuck it, too easy.

A 35-year-old man writes….

“Hi there, I really liked your profile. im XXX I am from New York and live on long island. I also am a flight attendnat for southwest and will be in XXX tonight and all day tomorrow. I am just looking for a friend out of town. someone nice genuine and real. someone u can have a drink with or get silly with and be adventerous.

I am a fun genuine smart honest passionate person and just looking to meet a well someone like you.

let me know.”

But that wasn’t all…the very next day he writes again…

“im from new york and only here for today.. boring near the hotel.. i like what u wrote i think we would have a great time meeting.

bye XXX”

The Virgin: I see right through this - holmes here is looking for an out-of-town booty call. Nothing wrong with that, out-of-town women are the same (why do you think girls are so wild and adventurous on spring break/vacation?). But it’s not good to convey that right off the bat, let alone on a dating website. ……….. Emailing twice also reeks of desperation, and hell, my Firefox spell checker is underlining every other word in red. And a personal pet peeve, why are people so LAZY to completely type out THREE FUCKING LETTERS? “Y-O-U.” Not “u.” ……….. This guy would be better off hanging around the hotel’s bar to look for out-of-town women who are also looking for a NSA fling (which reminds me, I ought to start doing the same instead of the local bars). Anyway, let’s do one more email.

A 28-year-old man writes…

hello XXX, I’m XXX . i’m kinda new to this way of meeting people and thought that it could be a little easier than meeting a girl who is already half drunk at a bar. have you met anyone off of here yet? i have met up with a few, and people really are different in person sometimes . just so you know, i’m about as normal and stable as a person can be. i’m not into games or drama either. if you would ever want to get a drink, “or a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable”, shoot me an e-mail. do you get that quote? it’s hard to appreciate my awesome sense of humor via e-mail

The Virgin: At least we got someone within her age range this time. ………… Here dude, hit this link up - this will be some big help right off the bat. ……….. He’s gotta be quoting some movie or TV show but damned if recognize that line. Awesome sense of humor? Completely lost on me.

I will have more letters and responses soon….and the emails that I’m covering from the guy I’m solely dedicating the next edition of FFE to is absolutely my favorite and most embarrassing ones of all.

Posted June 8th, 2008 in From a Female's Eyes

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