V-Carded! An Twenty-something adult male's struggle with virginity and sexual frustration

And what have we learned from this little experiment, kids?

Well…we’ve certainly heard all sorts of responses and approaches from guys writing to a girl’s online dating profile. Someone questioned me on how ethical this experiment might have been, but that doesn’t concern me as ethics is often just someone’s personal and sometimes dogmatic opinion. I look at what “is” and “isn’t,” and that’s exactly what I wanted to show guys out there what it looks like from the other side. But before we move on to my conclusion, how many total emails did our female receive in one month’s time?

Eighty-five.

You read that correctly. 8-5. Some of those letters were from the same guy writing multiple times, but there weren’t many of those so you have at least 77-80 unique suitors in one month’s time alone. The sheer amount of emails was driving me up a wall as I could hardly keep up with it all, and I’m just doing an experiment! How do you think a real girl is going to react to such bulk? At some point, she’s going to have to become more efficient and weed out letters as if they were junk mail. You might have a fabulous letter, but she might never know that if she skims your headline and her interest isn’t grabbed. Mine sure wasn’t, that’s for damned sure.

So what have we learned here? You would think some of these conclusions might be common sense, but apparently they’re not to the guys out there who pull stuff like our featured letters. So maybe some of this needs to be said again…

1. WRITE AN INTERESTING HEADLINE, GEEZ!

The most common headlines were variants of one to two worded greetings: Like “Hey.” “Hi.” “Hey there.” Or they didn’t bother writing a subject at all. I was shocked at this statistic…only 14% of men DID NOT write a headline that involved any of the above. Four-teen per-cent. And even of those 14% who weren’t guilty of the above, the subject lines were unimaginative and/or creepy…

• “any interest in an older man to spoil you rotten”
• “I like your profile…”
• “I know I am out of your age range”
• “Really would love to meet you”
• “New to town…”
• “Gentleman here! lol”
• “Doll I’m too old 4 u”

Guys! If THIS what your competition is writing, then this should be like shooting fish in a barrel! I could copy and paste lorem ipsum text and it would stand out better! It should NOT be hard to write a headline that stands out in an inbox that looks like this! In fact, she’ll probably be thanking you for it. Here’s a hint from someone who works around marketing, spam emails that have an open ended question in the headline are more likely to be opened…

2. If you’re too old for her, move on.

In our letters, 41% of men exceeded the girl’s specified maximum age that she wanted to date. Yes, it is true that out in the real world face to face, a girl will certainly overlook a guy’s age if he’s cute/charming/rich enough. Unfortunately statistics do count for more online and if you ignore this then she’ll likely view you as someone who didn’t bother to read her profile carefully enough. If you are nearly twice her age, then you’re simply going to look creepy. Also, what is up with the guys who write the “I know I am too old for you, but good luck” kind of letters? It is SO obvious that these guys ARE interested in the girl and think they’re slipping in under the radar, hoping that she notices them and will overlook their age. If you know that you’re too old for her, then why would you even bother to write?

3. Keep it brief, don’t talk your ear off about yourself.

Think about it, if you give away everything about yourself in the first introductory letter, what is there going to be to talk about on the date? If there’s one thing that I’ve learned about women - especially around my job - it’s that they love to play twenty questions and figure you out for themselves. So introduce yourself a bit, but keep your questions on her. Speaking of which, try avoiding the interview questions (”Where do you work? Where did you go to school?”) but target something on her interests and hobbies. I’m going to throw in something additional and maybe suggest you don’t target the most obvious thing. For example, I put a picture of the girl’s dog on her profile as bait and SURE ENOUGH, guys were commenting on the mutt right and left to earn her favor, or bragging that they work with and care for animals.

4. It’s a numbers game, but remember what numbers you’ve already played.

Yes indeed, online dating IS a numbers game as most women don’t respond. (Which amuses me when girls gripe that more guys should respond to their letters…pot, kettle, black.) So I don’t blame guys for playing numbers. But at the very least, remember who you contacted and don’t accidentally contact them again! There was more than one guy who did this and it was apparent that he was cutting and pasting the variations of the same response to different women.

5. Don’t contact her more than once if she doesn’t respond.

Ah yes, the guy who writes back after his letter goes unanswered. This screams neediness, obsession and weakness and is a quick guarantee that you’ll send her mouse cursor on the trash can icon. Contact her once, only once…and if she doesn’t respond then what’s the big deal? Her loss. Continue playing the numbers (and go back and read number four again!). Remember, until you meet them in person they’re all just electronic bits of information at that point.

6. Also…

I can’t say if this is a deal killer or not…just something that is a peeve of mine in all of these letters. Guys who say things like “I really enjoyed reading your profile.” “Your profile is awesome.” “Your profile caught my eye and you sound like a girl I would like to date.” Weeeellll…DUH. I think it’s clearly obvious that she caught your eye and you’re interested if you’re contacting her - no need to say it twice. Second, do people REALLY get enjoyment from reading a profile? Seriously, is a profile really “awesome?” Stupid me…all this time I never knew that the adrenaline rush from thillseeking, racing, roller coasters, partying and sex CAN’T POSSIBILY COMPARE to the AWESOMENESS of reading that Suzette1839 likes to play with her dog Sprinkles.

Oh right, and spellcheck your letters and/or profile. I don’t think it could hurt at all.

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So in conclusion…..online dating sucks and makes the baby Jesus cry. Stay away from it.

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…

….

….well, okay. I know people are still going to do it anyway, and don’t be surprised if I jump in again on it at some point. So if it’s going to happen, then all I have to say is that I hope clueless guys will look at this and understand what they’re doing and what the competition is doing. Useful information in the art of war.

So now go and do the exact opposite. You have an obligation to save some of these ladies from boring and dull guys like a good player does, that’s an order soldier! So get out there and let’s see some good letters! Dismissed!

Posted July 29th, 2008 in From a Female's Eyes

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