Bachelor Party (Extended Sober edition)
The rich get richer and the poor get poorer…such is the way of genetics.
Ha…sorry for last night’s post…that came from a depressed drunk. I’ll leave it up for hilarity. What’s more, I’ll write again what happened…you know how Hollywood loves to double-dip you with DVDs? I’m going to do it with blog posts.
I was shopping for clothes at the mall yesterday (got a new pair of $150 Raybans) when I got a call from The Friend asking me to come out for his brother’s (The Groom) bachelor party that night. It wasn’t really anything more than a bunch of guys just going bar hopping…but whatever. I put on a nice shirt, nice watch, my rings, my sexy boots and off I go. I meet up with the guys at the first bar, none of them dressed as nicely (t-shirts, etc) and some of them looked somewhat redneck-ish.
Nothing of note really happened at the first bar, except that a really old man that looked just like Waldorf from the Muppet Show got out on the dance floor and even danced with a sweet young thing. There was also a 12 year old kid out there which led me to realize this was more of a family bar-and-grill kind of place, so the guys decided to bounce to a new location.
The second bar was absolutely packed and much more livelier with a local band on stage covering rock hits. I was feeling pretty good from the alcohol and was more bold and animated, smiling and clapping for the band. I was standing directly behind a fairly “okay” blond who was hooting and hollering for the band. This got The Friend’s cousin’s attention (we’ll call him The Cousin) and he went right for her. He leaned very closely in and hovered over her. “Your body language is too eager, too aggressive and all wrong, you dork,” I thought.
Not surprisingly, she took her hand out and shoved him away. “You’re too young for me,” she said. “But you’re not,” pointing to The Groom. “And you’re cute,” pointing to The Friend. Her eyes glazed on me and said nothing. Ouch.
Meanwhile over the course of the night, one guy disappeared and apparently had picked up a girl. The Cousin had fingered a girl out on the dance floor and I think they disappeared to go do something, too. The Friend had two girls dance with him. Not sure if anything good happened to the Fourth Guy. The Groom had made out with some girl (making us promise what happened here “stays here”).
As for myself…I stood behind all of them like the ugly, unwanted friend of the group that’s just hovering over the other guy’s shoulders. I even looked around the bar many times that night trying to see if any girl was looking and might possibly look away bashfully if we made eye contact, but no one was.
The group split up and The Friend asked me if I could take him to Christine’s place…one guess what they were going to do. But first, we decided to get a bite to eat. Crispy Creams was closed, so we got some White Castle. “He’s such a loser,” The Friend said (referring to The Cousin). “Would *you* finger some girl out on the dance floor?” I don’t remember what I directly said, but alcoholic depression was starting to set in and I mentioned something to the effect that sometimes some of us should just take what we can get, if that.
The conversation shifted over to Christine. “Man…she’s so aggressive in bed…I’ve never been with anyone like her,” The Friend said. I really, really did not want to be listening to this at the moment. Later on I dropped The Friend off at her house. “Have fun,” I mumbled.
During the drive home, I just couldn’t get over how nearly each guy had a “fools mate” in some way, whether it was something as simple as an attractive comment or getting lucky…and they didn’t even have to do anything, I was watching them all. I just didn’t understand how some guys could get it so many times without even trying, while it came so hard and difficult for guys like me. I’m nearly 30 years old and have been in bars, clubs, raves, etc many times…you’d think something would happen by now.
As I drove home, I thought about the “sexy son hypothesis” and genetics in general. Guys like The Friend and The Groom came from good parents and therefor carried good genes, thus always had women attracted to them. The other guys in the group were likely more of the same. I however, am damned from both sides - my mother AND father - therefor making me a horrible risk. A theory I’ve been stumbling over lately…..somehow, what IF women could somehow detect (subconsciously) good and bad genes? Perhaps this is one part of what triggers attraction.
I wear the nice clothing, but to no effect. I dropped the weight, but nothing. I wear nice items, but no one mentions them or takes interest. I’ve gotten few to no compliments on the boots after wearing them all over, unlike other people who have favorably reviewed them. I have a feeling if one of the other guys like The Friend put them all on, he’d be getting hit on right and left. (By the way, I officially call “bullshit” on the whole “women are attracted to guys in good shoes” mantra.)
Like life, genetics is unfair and apologizes for nothing. Perhaps the system cannot be cheated…if that’s true, I’m in a lot of trouble.
Alex Foster Says:
April 27th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
I don’t think women have the ability to detect bad genes… I just look at the men my sisters have opted to procreate with… Their ‘bad gene ditectors’ must be turned off. Or they’re reading them wrong…
The Virgin Says:
April 27th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
But what makes these men bad? Their attitudes, manners, etc? Irrelevant. The question is, can they provide healthy genes that will in turn create sexy sons and daughters who will also easily be able to pass on their genes, too? That’s all that is required. It’s all at a subconscious level.
Nik Says:
April 27th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I am wondering…How is your attitude when you are out? How do you carry yourself? The times I go out and don’t exude tons of self confidence, it doesn’t matter what I am wearing, I don’t get hit on. At all. But, when I go in and I fake having a ton of confidence, I meet people. I have to agree that I think your luck has been strange because you seem really interesting and like you are doing “all the right things.”
Hopefully, you have better luck at the wedding.
The Virgin Says:
April 27th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Nik: Seems like I acted fine, a little more cheery as I had a buzz going on, moved with the music, etc. The other guys weren’t necessarily animated and still were like a magnet.
I definitely agree that my luck is horrible…speed dating, online dating, etc…no matter what it is I just always seem to have bad luck or some twist of fate is damned well determined to keep me a virgin. Which leads me to often ponder such theories. You’ll hear more about all that dating stuff in my adult years entries.
Mr. Queen Says:
May 7th, 2008 at 2:31 am
hmmmm sounds like how david deangelo started out. he said he hung out with guys that could get girls, and he observed and learned from them. maybe you should copy what your friends do, because whatever theyre doing, it seems to be working