V-Carded! Hall of Shame: Anakin Skywalker
The future Darth Vader was nicknamed “Annie” for a reason.
Oh yes Star Wars nerds, I am SO going there. My very first inductee into the V-Carded! Hall of Shame is none other than the future Darth Vader himself, Mr. Anakin Skywalker. So the question is, how does one of the biggest and most recognizable villains in cinema start out as such a creepy disgrace to men? (Besides George Lucas’s bad writing?) 
The answer is in Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones.
During the opening area of the movie, Anakin Skywalker is on his way to meet Senator Padme Amadala, whom he grew a fondness for as a child in Episode One and has been obsessing over in the ten years they’ve been apart between the movies. Granted nerds will argue that Jedi aren’t supposed to be dating, blah blah, but I don’t care….that right there tells me Anakin doesn’t have other options going on in his life. Padme meets with the grown up Anakin and gives him the less than flattering remark “You’ll always be that little boy I knew on Tattooine.”
Later on, Anakin is assigned to protect Padme as she departs for her home world, and as she’s packing, he goes on a VERY whiny tirade about how Obi-Wan is overly critical of him, never listens and how it’s not fair. Cause women love men who whine all the time. Padme tries to reassure him by telling him not to grow up too fast…once again indirectly conveying how immature she still sees him. Anakin says otherwise, gives her a puppy-dog eyed look as if waiting for a tender moment, only for Padme to burn him. “Please don’t look at me like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable.”
As the two are being transported to Padme’s home world, Padme comments on how difficult it must be to be a Jedi, to not be able to go to the places they want or do the things they want. Anakin is so desperate to steer the subject back on them. “Or be with the people I love,” he says. After Anakin gives his viewpoint on unconditional love, Padme tells him he’s changed so much. “You haven’t changed a bit,” he replies. “You’re exactly the way I remember you in my dreams.”
Padme demonstrates how she truly views Anakin again later when a man asks “Master Jedi” what he thinks they should do. “Oh, Anakin’s not a master yet, he’s still a Padawan learner.”
A later scene shows them walking near a lake and Anakin gives his opinion on the surroundings. “Here, everything’s soft……and smooth.” Which Anakin is not. He starts stroking Padme’s arm and the side of her back. She gives him a look (picture on right) that I wouldn’t exactly interpret as impressed, more like creeped out. But because the script says so, they share a kiss as the producers try their damnedest to make the scene look romantic with an appropriate musical score.
That is until Padme breaks away. “No. I shouldn’t have done that.” Buyer’s remorse.
Later the two are sitting in a field and Anakin apparently dares Padme to tell him something, likely about the first boy she ever dated. (Why you bringing up other men, dude?) She had a dreamy look on her face as she talked about when she was 12 and met a boy named Palo in the Legislative Youth Program.
“He was a few years older than I….” (Translation: “Not you.”)
“Very cute….” (Translation: “Not you.”)
“Dark, curly hair….” (Translation: “Not you.”)
“Dreamy eyes…” (Translation: “Not you.”)
Padme says that he went on to become an artist… and you know how women feel about artists. Believe it or not, Anakin does have a redeeming moment when Padme calls him out on his dislike of politicians and he playfully teases her. “I like two or three, but I’m not really sure about one of them.”
But Anakin quickly loses his balls again later on. “From the moment I met you, all those years ago…not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you.” (Somehow, I don’t think Padme was doing the same during the time between Episode One and Two.)
“Now that I’m with you again, I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you….I can’t breathe. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating….hoping that that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me. What can I do? I will do anything that you ask.”
Spoken like a true obedient dog…goood boy. Padme looks like she’s fighting to get the words “Can you leave?” off her lips. Anakin realizes he’s hanging on a thread and gets really desperate. “If you are suffering as much as I am, please, tell me.”
Padme gets flustered and says that they need to be realistic about their positions in the world and it would lead them to a place they could not go…“regardless of the way they feel about each other.” Anakin perks up. “Then you do feel something!” This reminded me EXACTLY of the part in Dumb and Dumber where Mary tells Lloyd (Jim Carrey) that his chance of being with her is one out of a million, and he idiotically misinterprets and responds with “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!”
Fast forwarding towards the end of the movie, Anakin and Padme are captured and are about to be wheeled out to be executed by the enemy. Anakin tells her not to be afraid. “I’m not afraid to die. I’ve been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life,” she replied. So have we, Padme….so have we. But we gotta follow a script, so Padme tells Anakin that she loves him. He questions that he thought they decided they weren’t going to be together as it would destroy them, and she says that they’re about to be destroyed anyway. Flattering…..hey, if Gilbert Gottfried was tied up next to her in her last moments, he’d be looking acceptable then too.
Anyway of course they escape their situation when the other Jedi interfere, they fall in love and get married, Luke and Leia get born and Anakin becomes Darth Vader. End of story.
What’s tragic about Anakin being portrayed like this is that boys watch Star Wars and look up to the characters, and they’re going to think this is how you are supposed to win a woman’s heart. The only thing that acting like this is going to do is turn you into a stalker with a restraining order. Or a virgin in his late twenties writing a blog.
So sorry “Annie,” but you do deserve that name. Please proceed to tuck away your “light saber,” both the one hanging off your hip and the one between your legs. To quote the Emperor in Return of the Jedi, “You no longer need those.” In it’s place, you can have the very first V-Carded! Hall of Shame award. Unfortunately, I don’t have any virtual trophies….so the recipients of this award shall get the Buffalo Bill award instead.
But Star Wars nerds, there is hope for you yet. I suggest that you chuck this movie in the garbage and go back to a simpler time…..the original trilogy. Once you do that, please watch Han Solo VERY CLOSELY. Here we have the pampered Princess Leia, who probably has about a hundred Anakin-like guys fawning all over her….yet she found herself attracted to the rogue scoundrel that was so challenging to her.
Han Solo did everything right. He knew how to call Leia out on her bullshit when she acted up and also knew when to show a hint of tenderness at the right times. And you can’t get ANY more smoother than when he’s about to be frozen in the carbonite in The Empire Strikes Back and he responds to Leia’s affectionate “I love you!” with “I know.” There’s even an article that dissects Han’s best lines and why they worked so well.
Alex Foster Says:
April 12th, 2008 at 11:30 am
This is sort of applicable to this post–of you haven’t read Robert Greene’s The Art of Seduction (you probably have) I highly recommend it. It shows exactly why men like Anakin are wusses that will never win the woman.