V-Carded! Hall of Shame: Zack Morris
How can I overlook this guy? Generation after generation of teens have been witnessing and learning from his blunders through rerun hell over the past fifteen years.
Two things have been static in my life since the early 90s. The first is that I’m still a virgin. The other is that Saved by the Bell continues to play in endless syndication hell on TBS.
The star of the show is Zack Morris, a good looking, charming and scheming teenager just trying to get by in school, avoid trouble from principal Richard Belding, make a few bucks on the side and gain the affections of Kelly Kapowski, head cheerleader and the most popular girl in school. And that’s the problem right there.
Throughout the first part of the NBC/High School era of the show, Zack constantly pursues and chases Kelly in which she finally gives in. Zack is always kissing her butt and putting her on a pedestal. But does Kelly exactly swoon? Or does she go along for the ride until something else happens? During the early season 3 episode “The Last Dance,” we get our answer.
Kelly gets a job at the local hangout “The Max” as a waitress and is smitten with her boss Jeff, a cute, mature and charming sophomore in college that supersedes High School boy Zack in every way. Kelly is chattering with her other friends Jesse and Lisa over all things Jeff, even knowing his shoe size of 10 1/2. (Hey, that’s my size!) Lisa calls Kelly out on the fact that she’s feeling something for him, which Kelly responds “Get out! Just because he’s hot….” before catching herself.
Jeff and Kelly are cleaning up before closing, things happen and he ends up boldly kissing her…which she doesn’t exactly fight off. She stands up and lets him have a second shot at her until she backs away and runs out. The next day, Jeff tells Kelly that he hoped he hadn’t caused any problems. “Jeff, the problem is…I liked it,” she replies.
During band practice (cause the teens in such shows are always in bands), Zack questions the other guys if they’ve noticed anything funny with Kelly lately, blaming it on his imagination until Screech makes an inadvertent and pertinent observation which alarms Zack.
At the dance, Jesse questions Kelly’s erratic behavior and she admits that she can’t get Jeff off her mind. Zack’s confirms his suspicions and takes her outside to question her. “Kelly, what happened? I…I thought you loved me,” he asks. “I do love you Zack…it wasn’t supposed to be this way.” The question is…does she love him as a lover or a friend? I’d say it’s the latter, Kelly even says so herself later on in the series! (read on)
In the episode “The Aftermath,” Zack is angry over the fallout and we see hints of his obsession over Kelly. From his locker full of her pictures to his textbook cover with doodles like “Kelly and Zack Forever” and “Kelly Morris.” At one point, Zack throws a temper tantrum the next day and violently clears his locker of her jacket, her sweater, her lucky pom-poms and other miscellaneous items that makes you wonder if he was planning to wear…which would be appropriate really. Zack eventually comes to his senses, apologizes to Kelly and goes on to romance other women through the rest of the series with trial, error and lazy writer’s short-term memories (Hello…Zack and Lisa?). But the question is, does he learn from all his mistakes? That would be a resounding NO.
We move on to the show’s next incarnation Saved by the Bell: The College Years as Zack once again tries to pursue Kelly. Unfortunately college boys aren’t good enough for Kelly anymore and shoots higher… she starts an affair with her 32-year-old anthropology professor Jeremiah Lasky.
Like before with Jeff, Lasky has the “older man” qualities that completely supersede Zack and Kelly certainly notices….taking every opportunity to “talk to him about her term paper” or agreeing to babysit his daughter (standing up Zack for a dinner date in the process). Despite treating him like a total chump / afterthought and even flat out telling him “no” (“Zack, look…I’ll always love you as a friend, but this is different. This is a mature man…a man I can see spending the rest of my life with.”), Zack doesn’t take the hint and tries various tactics to woo Kelly away, such as disguising himself in the same Zorro outfit as Lasky is wearing at a ball to steal a kiss from Kelly.
Lasky eventually rejects Kelly and admits that he didn’t have any feelings for her, preferring to inform her now than later on when it’s too late. Zack takes advantage of the situation by playing “Mr. Shoulder-to-lean-on” and tries again for a tender moment but gets burned and Kelly simply repeats her friendship offer. In truth, Lasky’s rejection only drives Kelly more nuts over him and Zack resorts to even more lame tricks and orbiting methods to turn it around.
Kelly finally realizes it’s just not going to happen with Lasky so she starts seeing Zack again as a consolation prize. But this isn’t good enough for him as he “demands to know” if she loves him or not and flips out when she’s planning on leaving for three months for a “Semester on the Sea” cruise. Zack tells her that she shouldn’t go, that they should be together always and admits that “he lost her once, he’s not going to lose her again.”
It’s in that moment that Zack plays his last trump card to keep Kelly in his pocket….he PROPOSES to her. Kelly is taken off guard and tells him that she needs to think about this. (She didn’t sound so indecisive over spending the rest of her life with Lasky…..) But TV shows always have to leave off with a happy ending, so in awfully convenient “deus ex machina” fashion she eventually agrees, declines going on the cruise and they marry during the TV movie “Saved By the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas” which brings the series to a close. (Not counting that “New Class” crap that ran far longer than it should have.)
Personally, I am still waiting on Saved by the Bell: The Divorce to happen. Anyway, Zack is unique from our other Hall of Shame winners because he has the goods and personality to easily win women. Keeping them is the problem. Looking at the way he acted in the series (especially The College Years), I’m not surprised why Kelly kept falling for older men. Then again, I’m not sure Zack had too many other options to begin with. Wasn’t there only like six-ten students in total at Bayside High? The cast weren’t always the prom kings/queens, contest winners, class officers and valedictorians for their charming personalities, after all.
Teens today watch this show - as did I during it’s original run on NBC - and witnessing Zack sends the message to chase-chase-chase, wear her down and you’ll eventually win the girl. Yet the hilarious thing is that the girl was visibly rejecting all along. Ah Zack Morris…you were a lady killer back in 1991. You’re in good company, I know another star from that year who is also a lady killer.
Meet Buffalo Bill and he’s your award…tuck it between the legs son. Teen magazine won’t be calling any time soon.