Explaining myself
For a person who points out what people do wrong in dating, am I hypocritical for not making it happen for myself? I don’t think so, and here’s why.
One thing I don’t think I’ve done a very good job at in this blog so far is explaining myself. You know I’m carrying my v-card far longer than I should be. You also get an idea of what my beliefs are and how I study genetics, relationships and social dynamics. “So if I’m sooooo smart about all that, why am I still a virgin?” you ask. That is a very pertinent question.
I have often wondered this myself. For all the grief I give guys about what they’re doing wrong, is it so hypocritical of me when I haven’t gotten any myself? Well, first off…I have already made my mistakes like most other nice guys so that does make me proof as to what doesn’t work. Who better to describe how to avoid letting drugs ruin someone’s life? A long-time and reformed drug-user, because they’ve been there. Who better to describe what NOT to do when trying to lose your virginity? A long-time and reformed virgin, because they’ve been there. I think the reason I’m so hard on men, especially nice guys, is that I see my former self in them and don’t want them to make the same mistakes I did.
But more-so, I actually think being completely free of sexuality and relationships has given me the most pure and honest look at them. I see them for what they are, not for what one mate “thinks” they are. Almost like the pure innocence of a young child’s eyes before they are tainted by the world around them, so to speak.
I believe more than ever in what I have studied and learned because people’s actions are completely congruent with them. They don’t realize it, of course. Every one of my friends’ breakups, divorces, or what I observe looking around a nightclub, it all absolutely fits and I see them in a completely different way than the people themselves in each scenario. It’s like taking the red pill and waking up from the Matrix and seeing things how they really are.
But while this knowledge is valuable, it’s a case where I can’t get to those situations myself due to who I am. I am an introverted individual who has trouble connecting not just with women, but with people in general. I’m terrible at conversations and I’m the man of blunt, single worded answers. People look past me and thus I consider myself more of a window than a door.
Of course someone is going to say “Just be friendlier and talk more, stupid!” That’s a lot harder than you think. I tend to despise group conversations because they’re almost always talking about something “inside” that I have no knowledge of (or even care about) so I tend to just be the “listener.” I have read books on how to be better in conversation, but at the time they happen, you tend to forget your knowledge because so many situations catches you off guard. Only after the interaction do you hit your head and think “Fuck…I should have said or done ‘this’ instead.” I’m not terribly quick witted in conversations, which I think is the reason I prefer to write.
I’m starting to feel more like a machine than a man…if that makes sense. The only worth I feel in life is what I can do for others (i.e. job), and if I don’t have that, then I don’t have a purpose. I don’t feel like I have a distinct personality of my own. I think if I could transplant an outgoing guy’s personality into my own and combine that with my knowledge, then I would be getting laid like a motherfucker and have a million friends.
But I have to do it on my own. The reason for my quiet, introverted personality lies somewhere in the past…and that’s why I am writing this blog. To figure it all out. As I write about my parents, that might be a big part of it all. Especially after what I describe in my next entry about them.