Virgin School
I always thought schools were supposed to “help” students…
Next, let’s move into real life and take a look at another fellow virgin from a UK documentary last year called Virgin School. (Thanks, BitTorrent.)
Virgin School introduces us to James Riley, a 26-year-old virgin in Kent, England. To solve his plight, he turns to a school in Amsterdam called Aquarion which teaches men like him about the finer points of intimacy. To prepare for his trip James decides to upgrade his wardrobe…and it’s here we see his first problem as his “Nan” comes along to help pick out his clothes, even his damned underwear. Unfortunately I guess she can’t pick anything better than tighty-whiteys because James is seen sporting them several times in this documentary.
James arrives in Amsterdam and is partnered with a 58 year old gray-haired intimacy coach named Carla. These two remind me EXACTLY of the movie Grandma’s Boy where Jeff gets it on with Grace, the old lady who boasted about “giving Charlie Chaplin a handjob.” Anyway, James and Carla do a lot together such as undressing each other, bathing and erotic massages…either way, it’s enough to kill any sort of wood you might have had.
Later on, James admits that the female genitalia is completely foreign to him…never mind all the porn and magazines out there. Well, Carla is going to help out. In one of the most unsexiest scenes I’ve seen in my life, Carla lies spread eagle on the bed and points out her “inner beauty” as James looks on like a dopey ten year old. By the way, Carla has a knack for obvious redundancy. Several of her statements….
“…it’s not just that I just awwww…just do it. It’s…it’s…it’s quite a thing to do.”
“The outer lips, close together…so when they open up, they really…open up.”
Meanwhile, Aquarion’s founder is questioned on Carla’s “motherly role” to James. “…the mother teaches the son how his body functions and she shows how her body functions…and of course normally this is not done by a mother to her son, it would be called incest, maybe…” No lady, I’m pretty sure that’s called incest.
But Carla isn’t James’s mother, and fortunately she’s also not the woman who is going to pop James’s cherry. That honor goes to Bridgit, Aquarion’s sex coach. Prior to their meeting, James rehearses the line “Hello, my name is James, and I’m a nice guy” more times than I can bang my head into the desk. Luckily for James, Bridgit doesn’t appear to carry an AARP card in her wallet and is the clear choice over Carla. But she still doesn’t pass for a “cougar” fantasy and has a deeped-voiced, amazoness thing that I can’t quite put my finger on. James: “I like Bridgit…but I don’t fancy her.”
After several sessions of massage, a hand job, and performing a strip tease for her (complete with Guns N Roses t-shirt), Bridgit does the honors and takes James’s virginity.
After all is said and done, James parts with the Aquarion instructors as he gives his final views. “This whole idea of ‘you gota have sex, you gotta have sex’…there’s so many couples out there who hardly ever have sex. They live on love…and love doesn’t have to be sexual, it can just be kissing, it can be talking, um cuddling, you know, being tender with someone…” Yeah, and those sexless people are called “grandparents,” James.
James goes on about finding his soul mate garbage, and the final captions says that James has found a new job at a local cinema. That, and he hasn’t had any more sex.
Well, no shit. Despite everything they did for him besides the sex (lifestyle, exercise, fashion lessons, etc), the one thing they did NOT fix was his “nice guy” demeanor. Honestly, James is a nice looking guy and at times when he wasn’t acting spazzy he looked like he had potential to be a suave stud. But sadly, if he don’t change a little more I’m afraid his track record will remain a paid instructor and a tug from a 58-year-old.
But hey, it makes for great YouTube parody fodder.
NewWrldYankee Says:
August 14th, 2008 at 12:21 am
That is totaolly disturbing.. Did uyou notice on one of clips he said that he didn’t even like women? So maybe thats a problem? Btw, this might sound shallow but couldn’ they have set him up with someone hotter to have sex with. Did they do anything to build his confidence?
NewWrldYankee Says:
August 14th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
God, I just noticed all the typos! I really need to be more awake when I comment
The Virgin Says:
August 14th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
NWY: There was only one girl who appeared right around his age, but she was a regular fashion instructor or something along those lines.
I also caught that comment too…(”I’ve never really been into women….”) but he mutters something afterwards that I can’t understand, so I’m wondering if I misheard him in some way.
Chloe Says:
August 24th, 2008 at 1:59 am
My first reaction to reading this post was “holy shit, is this for real?” I’m surprised this type of show hasn’t hit American airwaves yet. Perhaps I have a sick mind, but I can’t help but find humor in it. “Grandma’s Boy” was funny. The body language in those pics you posted make me feel bad for the guy, but he volunteered for it.
Lance Says:
August 26th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Dude, catch me up. Did you get laid yet? I’ve been vacationing for basically the last two weeks and haven’t been doing much blogging.
The Beautiful Kind Says:
September 10th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Dude, I’m so much hotter than Carla! You ARE a lucky bastard!!!