Roundtable: Virginity
Coming to you live from blogging vacation…
Man, from blog posts to nightlife newspapers, have I been quite the subject lately.
Amongst it all, how I lost my virginity indirectly resulted in a round table on Honey and Lance about the value of virginity. While I’m on “vacation” still as the blog gets repurposed, far be it for me to stay out of a heated topic so I’m popping my head out briefly for my two cents. Although as I’ve said my piece on the value of virginity in this blog elsewhere before, I’m going to keep it brief and touch on some other random topics out of this conversation.
Some people will claim that virginity is a “lifestyle” and “personal choice,” and while I don’t doubt that for some it is, I feel that others will hide behind those excuses to rationalize their shame why they’ve never been touched yet. I always chuckle when people absolutely cannot believe that someone could go for SO long without getting sex or even being kissed. I’ll be honest, it’s not really that hard when no one wants anything to do with you and frequently pass you up for the bigger and better deal. As I wrote on The Beautiful Kind’s comment section once…
“Lots of people have ample opportunity to have fooled around at various points of their lives, yet there are those of us who have to deal with other people’s brains shutting off at the concept of fooling around with us and are seen through like a window instead of touched like a door.
Then they are shocked to hear that someone can go for so long without even experiencing the simple things, as it’s a foreign concept. Sadly, experiencing any sort of intimacy period - nevermind on a frequent basis - is even more of a foreign concept for us.”
Moving on to a second topic I’ve been noticing, I had to address the topic of virgin hate. You know…the whole “IIIIIII’d never sleep with a virgin” banter. I feel this is a hypocritical statement because - mark my words - the same people saying this would change their tune QUICK if they were still virgins themselves. It’s not difficult to understand: If no one slept with virgins, no one would be getting laid period! It’s no different than the paradox when you’re job hunting and keep getting turned down due to inexperience - how can you get experience if no one gives you the opportunity to get it in the first place? Everyone was a virgin once.
Yes, there is a lot more at emotional stake when having sex with a virgin…even I experienced that as the virgin in the situation and I didn’t expect that. Ideally, perhaps virgins should lose it to other virgins but that’s not a realistic scenario or an option for many….ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE MY AGE OR OLDER.
But at the same time - as long as your honest about your intentions of where the relationship will (or won’t) go - why not give a virgin the benefit of your experience? Maybe it might not make for the greatest lay in the world, but perhaps the reward of knowing that you made a difference in their life will far exceed any physical pleasure that comes out of the evening. Great lovers aren’t born - they’re created. Besides, would they benefit better in the long run from someone like you….or some dimwit who either just lays there or finishes in seconds?
Although I should not confuse the above with those who simply have “virgin fetishes” (ala Telly from the 1995 movie KIDS). There’s nothing rewarding about that and those kinds of people have no business getting laid to begin with.
On a concluding thought, do I regret what I did and how I lost my virginity? No…it was time. And it was a far better first time that probably exceeded 90% of stories out there. I do regret that I had to wait so long…and I do fear that it will be years again before I experience it from another person. What comes so easy for most people is still the hardest thing in the world for someone like me. But rest assured, I’ll be touching on all of this in more detail when I get back to blogging.
With that said, what has The Virgin been up to in the weeks since losing his virginity? You’ll find out when I get back on October 13th 
Hammer Says:
October 1st, 2008 at 10:28 am
I am definitely part of the virgin hate, and I’m sorry but I’m not going to apologize for saying that I will not sleep with virgins. I slept with virgins when i was 15 and 16, and don’t need to deal with that anymore. Here’s my post on why: http://hammer86.wordpress.com/2008/09/24/why-i-dont-date-virgins/
It’s so different from a male perspective than it is from a female perspective. There is not a woman in this world who can’t (with relative ease) find someone who is willing to have sex with her. Therefore, if she’s a virgin, even at the age of 20, there is a pressing reason as to why, and thus there’s a lot more at stake emotionally than there is for a guy who went years without being able to convince someone to touch his penis.
You’re right, if no one slept with virgins, we’d all be virgins, but that doesn’t mean that I have to be the one to do it. And I know that mentality is the one that makes it difficult to lose your virginity, but blame your father for not instilling a masculine identity in you (please don’t be offended if you were brought up by a single mom), don’t blame others for not taking pity on you. No one wants to be USED as a slump buster. Women want to have sex with men they are attracted to on a primal level.
Also, instead of complaining, do something about it. There are so many resources available for you, and if you don’t take advantage of them you, are engaging in masochistic suffering through inaction. It’s not that hard to get laid. But as Wayne Gretzky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
Honey Says:
October 1st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I agree with the emotional attachment danger. That’s really why I’d be reluctant to sleep with a virgin, not fear of the sex being bad. Although I don’t think virgins sleeping with other virgins would have much effect on whether the relationship was bad! It’s always that way in the beginning.
Make sure you post the link in our blog!
The Virgin Says:
October 1st, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Hammer: True, you don’t have to be the one to do it, but unfortunately a lot of people share that “it’s not my problem” belief as well - that’s the thing. Just like recycling and what’s going on in the world today, if everyone dismisses it then nothing will happen or change. In this case, no one would be able to lose their virginity. Now here’s some good food for thought - what if the person in the bedroom DIDN’T tell you that they were a virgin?
(Note: Before I lost it to TBK who already knew my situation, I had no plans of saying anything period when it did happen.)
Honey: I did leave a link, but your blog isn’t posting my comments after I submit them
Otherwise I think the fear of emotional attachment thing - while valid as I said above - other times is just that…a fear to hide behind and WON’T exist if you are REALLY into the person. Let me put it this way, if it was a virginal Brad Pitt (or whatever male or female floats someone’s boat) standing in front of you in the bedroom, what would *really* be on your mind?
NewWrldYankee Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:17 am
Welcome back temporarily! I knew that contest would drag you out of the hole you’ve been hiding in!
I wasn’t going to participate at first, but I’m getting fired up! You’ll see it today.
Hammer Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Just as a follow-up, if she didn’t tell me that she was a virgin then she would have to lie to me because one of the most important tools that I use to get to that stage in the relationship is talking about sex to get her turned on. So it will always come up in conversation. I won’t ask her if she’s a virgin, I just assume that she isn’t, and if it comes out that she is, I’m out. Even if she’s only had sex with a couple of guys, I’m going to lose interest in her long term potential quickly. I’ll cut off discussion of anything that’s even remotely personal in favor of more playful and sexual topics.
Definitely, if you’re a virgin, particularly as a guy, and you’re just trying to get laid, make stuff up. Lie your ass off. The easiest way to get laid is by pretending that you’re an unapologetic player. Of course most women will see right through this based on your body language and demeanor, but sometimes you’ve got to fake it until you make it. The funny thing is that sometimes you don’t even have to lie to do this. You have to evade the same questions to prevent being outed as a virgin as you would to avoid being outed as a player. So if you handle these questions smoothly instead of fumbling through, you can imply being a player without actually saying it.
A great example, women love to ask your number, particularly if they’re not self-conscious about theirs. The most important part of a smooth/player answer is the eye contact. When you look into her eyes, don’t look straight on, that comes off as creepy and intimidating. Instead, you need to have your head tilted up or down and off-center to her face a little. This forces you to look either just under your brow or just over your nose, and a little to the side. The smile is also key, give a nice little non-toothy sly grin when you answer.
Great answers that don’t give you away as a virgin but aren’t lying either are, “Wouldn’t you like to know?” or “Well that’s kind of a loaded question isn’t it?” or my favorite, “That’s a question I don’t really answer because it’s gotten me into trouble in the past. I’ll give you one over/under though, but make there’s no push so make sure you use a fractional value.” If she doesn’t guess double digits, you’re doing something wrong with the vibe. You really want her to say something ridiculously high so you can say under and it’s possible that it’s still high. If she asks something like 49.5 it’s really easy for you to say, “Oh, it’s well under that!” and have it possibly still be somewhere around 30 which seems like a lot to a number conscious woman.
Lance Says:
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Hey, dude, thanks for participating, it was great to hear your perspective as always. Also, you won’t have to wait years to get laid again. You’re totally money.