V-Carded! An Twenty-something adult male's struggle with virginity and sexual frustration

I ended up going to the lake this weekend, but I didn’t have a very good time. How good of a time can a person have when they’re alone, anyway?

I know what you’re going to ask next, and here is my answer. Because my friends hem and haw and never end up going with me. For example, at last year’s event I got two of the guys to commit initially but they both eventually dropped out (one of whom just started dating some chick he was gaga over and handcuffed to, you figure it out) and I had to go by myself.

THIS year I asked The Friend, then noticed his girlfriend starting to take interest and asking me all sorts of questions about the event. I saw opportunity in this because if SHE wanted to go, then HE would. The Friend said “Yeah, let me see what’s up,” and never gave it another thought or question again. If you are REALLY interested in going, then you are GOING TO GO.

And that’s the way it’s been these past few years. My friends have abandoned me and never want to go anywhere, so I go on trips and to parties by myself, all alone. Therein lies the problem.

Take attraction, for example. Women are attracted to men who already appear have women around (preselection). On the flip side, they see a guy standing alone and wonder what is wrong with him. Here is the paradox: how can he show preselection if no women will give him a chance to begin with? Think of how this translates in the job world: a candidate is turned down for jobs again and again due to lack of experience. But if that candidate keeps getting turned down, just how are they supposed to get experience in the first place?

So that was sort of my situation at the party and unlike in a warehouse full of darkness and crowds, I stood out like a sore thumb and it was painfully obvious I was alone. I went into the main room where the DJs were spinning, but I started to look (and feel) like a lonely creep sitting all by myself. I ducked back into my room so people wouldn’t put two and two together.

I came back out and walked around the crowds of people, desperately looking for someone I would recognize but these were all complete strangers. Worse yet, all these strangers were locked into their own groups and conversations amongst the group of friends that they came down with. I would try and say “hi” to someone, but they would just return the greeting and go back to their group.

Here’s the thing too, when I’m in these situations my brain locks off and forgets a lot of the stuff that I read in books. Then I can never say the right thing, either. During one point, a girl stepped in front of me as I was trying to get through the crowd. “Hey, who are you? You look like a cop. Are you a cop?” she asked. This only depressed me more, maybe in some other situation or context that would be flattering, but not at a party.

I said nothing and continued walked. I don’t know why…she took me by surprise and I just could think of any response. Finally 15 seconds later my head completed running through it’s processing and I wanted to belt myself. The correct and flirty response was “Why? Have you done something bad?” Most times, I feel people are running around with an Intel Xeon in their brains and mine is running an old Pentium 1 chip and the hourglass icon comes on when it’s my turn to respond.

I ended up going back to my room and sitting alone in the dark, thoroughly disgusted with myself. If I had my friends along, then I would be able to return to them without looking creepy or alone and would have had a good time.

I woke up this morning and realized I was just headed toward the same situation poolside again, so I packed up early and decided to just go back home. I didn’t belong there. My time would be more productive working on house chores at home anyway.

I started checking out at the front desk and got poked from behind. It was one of the DJs that I had first met last summer. Come to think of it, he was the only person who came right up to me last summer (guess he noticed me sitting all by myself) and we talked for a good long while. Honestly, that really meant so much to me. Unfortunately he had people to see and meet so I was left alone again. (I can’t honestly expect him to hang around me all day, can I)?

Anyway he took notice that I was signing out and asked what was up. “Uh…I got some work that I need to finish up,” I fibbed. He said “Hold up….I got a surprise for you,” and left for a second. He had something….for me?

He came back in and gave me a copy of a $9000 font collection that he had (he works in nearly the same daytime career that I do). “I had promised the last time we talked that I would make you a copy,” he said. We shook hands and I went back to my car, looking at the CD-R.

If all you can comment on is digital piracy, then you’re missing the point. It didn’t matter what was on that CD. This guy - a DJ (king and alpha male of the party) who had a million things on his mind and a million people to meet - thought of me. I would have never remembered this CD, he talked about it in a conversation from six months ago. I guess the best way to put it is this…I was touched.

Which made me feel all the more worse and useless as I left. For one, I had already checked out and given a fake excuse for doing so. Second, that DJ was busy all day (spinning a two hour set) and I couldn’t hang on him like a parasite because I didn’t want to be by myself.

My head is in a million and one places right now and I’m very depressed. Meeting people and being social comes so difficult to me and it makes me feel like the defective product that I am, I really envy a lot of you out there who think nothing of it. Last year I tried drinking and drugs to quiet my mind (coming up in the back story), but all that stuff wears off (and kills game) and your true, boring self returns after the effect wears off. I don’t know the answer, maybe I need to see a shrink, I dunno.

But there was one positive…during the two hour drive back home I thought long and hard about it and now know one of the major reasons for everything wrong in my life…and it’s not something I directly touched in my back story. I’ll talk about that later in more detail when I wrap things up.

Posted June 21st, 2008 in Observations

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