V-Carded! An Twenty-something adult male's struggle with virginity and sexual frustration

Here goes…does The Beautiful Kind get my cherry, or do I choose to wait for a different situation?

So we have both a list of pros and cons for going through with TBK’s offer. Yes, I realize that most men wouldn’t bother even analyzing this and just “do it,” and I even said this to TBK a week ago. But don’t forget that many men have paid the price for doing that. Hell, the Friend is juggling a $2000 a month mortgage and a nasty divorce for this reason. But make no mistake, I’m not most men. As I’ve been a virgin and have stood on the sidelines observing others making the mistakes, I see things differently in a way that most of you who found intimacy early on will never know.

Besides, by that same exact logic should I have went straight to a prostitute? Ah, changes the tone of the matter quickly, doesn’t it? Anyway my poppets, the moral of the story is “fools rush in.”  For every choice there is consequence.

But let’s move on to the true topic at hand. I hate to say it, but once you leave high school “virgin” becomes a dirty word. Oh, some women saaaay things like that “it doesn’t matter” and “I’d be flattered,” but as I believe, “actions, not words.” Take this post I came across once…

“I think women are entitled to an experienced partner without having to teach them everything. I swore off virgins a long long time ago for this very reason.”

Or just as bad, this YouTube video entitled “Never never never sex a virgin.” (Although I can’t imagine anyone outside of a Hot Topic sexing that girl.) Yep, there is a big virgin backlash out there. Like getting turned down by employer after employer telling you they’re looking for someone “more experienced,” it begs the question, “How am I supposed to get experience if no one will give me a chance?”

So at long last this is “my chance,” and that’s reason enough to go through with this. I am quite fortunate to have found a partner that doesn’t care I’m a virgin and I can feel more comfortable with.

As I stated in my cons, this is indeed an unusual situation and if you really think about it, TBK’s offer is literally a deus ex machina. Is this an easy way out like with an escort? No, honestly I think there is a BIG difference with this situation. Repeating a quote from my writings on hiring an escort…

“You are still a despicable, unwanted human being after doing any of these things. You have to convince a decent human being to have sex with you, before the virginity albatross is taken from your shoulders.”

Do you see the difference here? An escort is attracted to a wallet. TBK is attracted to ME. While TBK might boast that she’s a “slut,” I think even she’s discriminatory about whom she chooses to be with and I doubt she would have approached me if I was a slob and a mess. To be honest, it’s flattering to be looked at as a lover for once and not a coworker, friend, fix-it guy or whatnot that most women already identify me as.

I *am* a novelty, but isn’t it that way with sex in general? The Friend was curious about black women for a spell, and he’s always had a thing for redheads. Some women are size queens. Lots of white guys love Asian women. So sex is full of curiosities and novelties and it’s silly to linger on meaningless issues. Sure, it’s also blog-worthy material, but aren’t I not doing the same thing?

Finally, can I handle something like this? Lots of people will point fingers and claim that a person moving from sex partner to sex partner has issues. To them I say that someone who gets completely attached / obsessed with the first thing that comes along has the bigger issues. People take the time to shop around and explore their options with many things, why is choosing a partner any different? Too many guys are wimps and that is why a fantasy of a life filled with beautiful women will always be just that to them…a fantasy. They can’t handle it. It takes a very strong willed and open-minded person to be able to control their emotions and handle a casual dating lifestyle maturely.

Now I ask you, could a guy who sent love letters to someone he barely knew as well as needlessly pine over an engaged woman - handle a casual kind of situation? Fat chance.

But that was then, and this is now. The Virgin of 2008 is NOT the same person as The Virgin of 1998. That guy completely died long ago. I believe that TBK trusts that I can see the situation for what it is…and what it’s not…and completely handle it maturely. I think after a long solitude I have proven that I can control myself. I’m ready.

So my answer is “yes.” It’s time to get this over with…this is the best possible situation and the best possible partner for my first time. Why not…what do I have to lose anyway, my virginity? If I don’t do this, this will be the biggest regret that I’ve had in my life since I saw The Happening.

So here it is folks…the beginning of the end. It might be tomorrow, it might a week, a month or even a few months, but it’s inevitable, The Virgin is getting laid. Until that time….I’ll be panicking and sweating like an 18-year-old boy. Like, no pressure or anything.

…as well as the reasons why I should think with my head and not my dick.

It is a rare and uncommon scenario. How many guys will ever get laid in this manner in their lives? The other 99.9 percent of the time you need to take the initiative yourself. After this, if I still can’t attract a woman under normal courting then sorry Charlie, there’s no nookie.

Crossing the line from a friendly to sexual relationship. TBK and I are friends…sex changes things. TBK is open-minded and as such, knows how to deal with that. The question is, can “I”? Is this going to make things awkward in the future?

I’m a novelty. Face it, I’m a virgin…that’s the appeal in laying me and it makes for interesting blog fodder. The question is, would I still have received this offer if I *wasn’t* a virgin?

My future expectations could be set too high. Not putting “the pussy on a pedestal,” but after TBK has rocked my world (just read her blog), will other women seem more “vanilla” in comparison? It’s like spoiling a young kid rotten: they grow up not to appreciate the simple things.

Ignorance is bliss. The one good thing about being a virgin for so long is that you don’t really know what you’re missing out on. What if I got laid and didn’t get another taste of that for two/three more decades? I don’t think I could handle that.

Weighing why there should be no question…

It’s sex. I get laid. I lose my virginity. Nuff said.

A chance to be taught and educated by an experienced woman. I have read many books on sex, but the real education is in the bedroom. Such education is priceless and turn awkward virgins into epic lovers. TBK could be doing a HUGE favor for the women in my future.

The situation will be more comfortable and I can make mistakes. Women aren’t stupid, they’re intuitive and can tell if you’re done this before. I’m going to be a bag of nerves for sure. TBK knows my situation and anticipates it, if I finish too quick or can’t even get the missionary position right I don’t have to feel humiliated.

It will be a first time to remember. I could have lost it to some drunk chick that just lied there bored. Or I could be this guy. Yeah, I think popping the cherry with an adventurous sex goddess - even this late - would beat those and 90% of stories out there.

I become one lucky and envied son of a bitch. A virgin goes from nothing to having a FWB, something almost NONE of my friends (with perhaps the exception of The Friend) have ever had. Not only that, but I’m in a position that hundreds of her readers would love to be in.

How does a virgin know a nympho sex goddess anyway?

In case you didn’t read or follow the link in the final paragraph of my Crazy, Crazy Tuesday entry, I’ll sum the entire thing up. Sex blogger The Beautiful Kind - who has assisted with my FFE columns on this site before - has printed her list of visitors/commentors to her site whom she’d like to fuck for her new column. Appearing on that list is none other than yours truly, essentially offering to take me and break me in at last.

In case you are thinking it’s just wishful thinking - or it’s just as skeptical of an offer as other similar stunts with no evidence to back up it’s validity, YES - this is serious. So how the hell does a virgin know a “nympho sex goddess?”

Without compromising too much information, TBK and I are friends / professional acquaintances, nothing more and nothing less. As such, she knows me by my true identity as well as the only one who knows my little secret, something I’ve kept from my closer guy friends for good reason.

Remember how the guys reacted in The 40-Year-Old Virgin when they discovered that Andy (Steve Carell) was a virgin? Yeah, you know, the whole melodramatic “WHAAAT? We GOTTA get you LAID, bro!” reaction. Thanks…but no thanks. There is one thing I never wanted to be treated as - and that was a charity case. I wanted to be able to attract and bed a woman on my own and do it on my own terms.

Late last year while I was floundering, I had bombed in a bar and feeling particularly low and unwanted, and this wasn’t a good combination with my other problems at the time. TBK asked me for a favor right around then, and as I dealt with it it occurred to me that perhaps she was the best person that could offer me some advice on my situation. If she had not popped up at that time I probably never would have thought of her.

It was so difficult to say something because I was about to completely expose myself and wasn’t sure what she’d think, but I needed someone with an open-minded attitude about sex to listen…not someone who’d feed me that “you haven’t met the right girl” or “save it for someone you love” fluffy bunny garbage. (If you do think this way, you need to leave my blog right away and go watch some Ned Flanders cartoons instead.)

Not all of her suggestions I was hot about (prostitute), have tried already (online dating) or I had any luck meeting women (cooking class), but all that mattered is that I had finally gotten it off my chest and it made me feel better. I still didn’t go anywhere at that period of time, but things started to look up when I got my life back on track as well as the creation of this blog to share my troubles and thoughts on a bigger soapbox. My writing depicts the real me more than my words ever can.

So here we come to the present. Never in the time I’ve known TBK did I honestly imagine that my opportunity to be deflowered would come from her….I figured I’d eventually meet some girl in the club or whatnot, if at all. It’s a big decision for certain. The choice seems obvious, this is a real chance at education for the virgin and the teacher is wagging her finger and enticing me. But I learned a long time ago to listen to my upper head more than the lower one, and there are potential reasons why not to go through with this as well.

I have brainstormed and come up with my own list of reasons “for” and “against” this situation and I will be posting those this week. You are welcome to try and talk me one way or another. After the next few posts you will know my decision.

Even when you’re in a store filled with double dong dildos along the walls, you have to obey the pecking order just like at your job.

I haven’t been in an adult store in some time, other than Hustler Hollywood a few months ago for a present. There’s not really much point for me to be in one, honestly. With porn so readily available on the internet in the privacy of your home it makes the appeal of the video section less enticing. Though not everyone wants to jack it staring at a small grainy video in front of a computer, some would rather put that 46 inch LCD to good use. So I think the video market will be safe for a while.

Anyway, no matter whether it’s a hidden store front shop (usually parading as a book store) or something more mainstream like Hustler Hollywood or Pure Pleasure Megacenter, I remember there is a hierarchy of sorts when it comes to stores like these.

Easily at the bottom is the single men in there. You can find them alone in the video section on a Friday night, silently buzzing around the tapes in separate areas like bees around flower gardens. They won’t acknowledge you in any way as you pass by, praying to god that they don’t run into someone familiar….or you don’t notice them checking out the back cover of “Oral Grannies #36.” You always believe yourself to be better than them, but face facts….you’re going home to do the exact same thing that other guy is doing tonight.

On the next level up is the cashier/hired help working in the store, though not much higher in status. The most common types of cashiers is either the aging fat dude or the guy in his late 20’s that is still dressed like a college frat and has gone nowhere in life. You are hesitant to bring your stuff up there as you’re worried what they’ll think, but you quickly get over that when you remember that - despite both your lonely lives - you work at a $50,000 job and they make $8.00 an hour in a sex shop.

Another note: On the odd occasion you might see the friendly hot girl working the counter. Unfortunately, such girls tend to be bad for business as the guys are fearful of looking perverted in front of her. Sometimes you might even see an older gentleman dressed in a nice shirt and tie working the place. He is usually brought in to “class up the place,” but ultimately looks “out of place” and better suited for a men’s clothing store.

The next tier up is women. You’ll almost never see them anywhere near the video section. They’ll be checking out the lingerie or toys, typically a surprise for their boyfriends/husbands. These women tend to be very assertive and it’s not uncommon to see some of them wearing a leather jacket and/or ride in on a motorcycle. She is sexually confident and doesn’t care who sees her buying that stainless steel vibrator or crotchless panties.

Without question, the highest on the tier and the undisputed king of the store is the guy who enters with his girl. He is the envy of all the sad, lonely men there and stands out over the drips in the video section, no doubt. The couple might look at some tapes “for fun,” and walk hand in hand as they browse the toys, stifling high school giggles. Whatever they buy, the other men watch them leave and groan at the fact that he’s getting the real thing tonight and they’re not.

“The obvious question then is, why do I need these techniques if all I’m doing is bringing out a natural chemistry? Doesn’t it stand to reason that if it’s there it’s there, and if it’s not, it’s not? While that seems as if it would be so, I’ll now explain why the answer is ‘no.’

It’s in our nature as human beings to seek affiliations, to make friends and to care about others. But sometimes it can be hard to reach out to a person and expose his or her true self and feelings. Most people want to like, want to love, want to connect. Things get in the way of their innate desire, things like fear of rejection, vulnerability, ego and jealousy are but a few of the multitude of mixed emotions, attitudes and beliefs that keep us from reaching out and bonding with others.

What these psychological techniques do is to simply influence a person’s natural state to emerge. We feel good when we give, when we love and when we help. It’s not about twisting someone’s brains so that he does your unconditional bidding, it’s about bringing the person’s submerged desires to the surface.”

~David J. Lieberman, Ph.D.

So in conclusion, is the seduction market all deceptive practices and money opportunities…or is there a little more than meets the eye?

There are certainly no lack of guys out there ready to sell you everything you need to know to turn your love life around, is there?

The whole seduction field has become a science of sorts, and perhaps rightfully so. Humans want to believe so badly that they can choose what they become attracted to, but that isn’t the case….as David DeAngelo says, “Attraction isn’t a choice.” As human beings we are programmed to generally respond better to certain traits for our own mating success. There will always people who don’t fit that mold (they might go for the nerdy, submissive types, for example), but I believe that more people “want to believe” they’re exceptions rather than truly being exceptions themselves. We all want to believe we’re special when we’re more in common with others than we think.

Some women will still oppose men learning pickup/seduction/etc and say that learning such things is pointless if they “just be themselves.” Yet the guys don’t understand it when they precisely do that and still get ignored by the girl…who turns around and goes with the same kind of guy she claims she would never, ever date in the first place! The men are confused and start wondering what it is that those men are doing that they are not.

That’s what this kind of education is all about. Is getting education to do better in your career “deceptive?” That’s ridiculous, because we’re not born with that kind of knowledge. Equally true of love, dating and sex. Some guys are fortunate and learn it naturally, but others don’t have that kind of benefit. This is becoming increasingly true in our single parent world these days.

I think one part of the opposition to such education is simply the lack of information on what it’s about. While there is certainly ample opportunity to misuse such information and each “guru” has their approach, everything I’ve learned about seduction is more about self-improvement than anything else. Becoming a more interesting conversationalist. Not becoming needy, wimpy or approval seeking. Learning not to take rejection so literally. Be better in bed. Most of all, how to put a smile on women’s faces. As Style has put it, it’s not about being yourself, “it’s about being your BEST self.”

That’s why I talk about all this…I know there are LOTS of guys out there walking around with their eyes shut as I had once. It sinks my heart to know there is a young man of seventeen or eighteen out there right now being brainwashed with the wrong “bring her flowers, tell her all your feelings” kind of crap which will only bite him in the butt. It is you young guys that need this kind of education most of all, because your entire twenties counts on it. But I don’t want you to take my advice at face value, I’M A FUCKING VIRGIN AFTER ALL. I simply want to give men “food for thought” and lead them towards the right sources who are the real deal.

BUT MEN…be careful of the trap that the seduction market holds. Not only do the gurus know how to seduce women, they also know how to seduce YOU. It goes a little like this…you buy one eBook and start to get a little enlightenment. You might have a little more success, but you’re still not getting anywhere. So then you shell out a few hundred and buy a CD set. When that doesn’t work, you move on to another guy and hope that HIS products has the answers you’re looking for. Then you buy another guru’s product. And another. And another. All the while you start notice the similarities in what they’re teaching and wonder if anyone has anything new to add. Sounds like taking drugs? In some ways, it is.

Listen to me very, very carefully….the truth is that until you discover and repair the harm that lies within yourself, none of this stuff will do ANY good. The products might band-aid the problem and get you some temporary results, but it doesn’t completely fix it. Look at me. Until you can fix your own hangups, it’s all snake oil. You can’t buy confidence, you have to create it for yourself.

Don’t get me wrong…I believe there are “gurus” out there who are sincere about their desire to help men and don’t give a damn about the money. I also believe there are those who aren’t any less sincere, but realistic about keeping food on the table thus they charge for their services like any other working man. And of course, I also believe that some guys see it nothing more than a money making opportunity. Sorry, but there is no excuse for a $2000-$4000 DVD set.

Whatever the case, with too much product and too much exposure I fully believe the bubble is about to burst on the whole seduction market. I also think that it is “then” that we will see who is the real deal and who is simply a fly-by-night opportunist in it for the money.

No matter what advice you decide to follow, remember that the path to redemption and self-improvement ultimately starts with YOU. Also know that you don’t necessarily have to spend money (or much of it) to learn, there are guys out there who already offer plenty of advice or even personal help for next to nothing. Player Supreme’s forum and podcast. David Wygant’s blog. Doc Love’s and David DeAngelo’s columns on AskMen.com. Sarge Nation. Lance of Honey and Lance. I usually try and stay away from female advice as a lot of it is the source of problems for men (typically from aged and out-of-touch advice columnists), but there are even some girls who know what’s really up, too. Honey of Honey and Lance. And I can’t recommend Hot Alpha Female enough.

But don’t forget about your old buddy The Virgin. I’m your “scared straight” virgin, the guy you don’t want to become. Just like that creepy ex-con invited to your middle school assembly that tells you in detail what prison is like. And I also want to point out that as an alternative to the higher priced stuff above, you could always go to the very sources that many of these seduction gurus have learned from.

Oh yes, there are very affordable books on sexual psychology, evolution and theory sitting on the bookshelf of your favorite bookstore right now that they’ve based their principals off of. Not to mention there are also female books on seducing men that can give you further insight to the supposed “games” THEY play and why. There is a lot of good and fascinating stuff out there on your bookshelves! I’ll be going over such things and more, so stay tuned!

Do you ever find yourself in the situation where life is boring and quiet all around, and then fate decided to hit you with everything all in one day?

Man, what a backwards and strange day this has been.

My mother just celebrated a birthday and has been greatly enjoying The Office seasons 1-3 DVD that I got her. Tuesday morning I received a call and she sounded like she was in tears and laughing strangely. I waited for her to tell me what kind of crazy stunt that Michael Scott was up to this time that she found hilarious, but then I slowly realized she wasn’t laughing…she was sobbing. She told me that she got a call from my uncle to say “goodbye,” he would be dead in two months. Terminal lung cancer from what I understand.

I consoled her as best I could, not really sure of what to say as the situation was a shocker. Later on in the day she called me back and sounded surprisingly calm and controlled, telling me that she was out of tears and that she accepted the situation, just astonished that the previous call would be the last time she would be talking to her brother. You see, everyone in my family hates one another, and my uncle’s fat wife can’t stand my mother. So when he passes on, she won’t inform her. That’s how cold my family is.

As for myself, I felt bad….not for my uncle but for my mother. My uncle - whom I’m sure I’ve spoken about in this blog before - I hadn’t spoken to in nearly fifteen years until a brief period last year. As I said in my backstory, my mother got cancer last year and while the operation was successful, the strain of it all caused her to go off her meds and I had to put her in the hospital. Meanwhile, I was working contract not only trying to make ends meet, but deal with all of Mom’s problems at the same time.  When you’re contract there is no emergency personal time off, vacation days or whatnot….if you don’t work you don’t get paid. I could NOT miss any more work.

My uncle is retired and practically lives off his wife, thus he sits at home all day. I begrudgingly needed my uncle’s help in taking my mom to the doctor just this ONE time, and if he was decent about it I considered burying the hatchet. My uncle told my godmother (who was mediating) that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her anymore as he had dealt with her illness (manic depressive) all his life and was tired of it. What’s more, it was “my turn” to deal with it and I had to “step up.” (”He HAS stepped up, you son of a bitch,” my godmother replied.) When I found out about this, I basically said that if he valued his physical health, he wouldn’t let himself step foot in my eyesight again.

So now the shoe is on the other foot, but unlike my mother my uncle cannot escape this. I wish I could feel more sympathy, but I cannot. If I didn’t shed a tear for my father, then I’m certainly not shedding one for my uncle. But I am sorry about his situation, no one nor their loved ones should have to go through that. I won’t ever speak to him again, but the best I can do for my uncle is wish him no ill-will and drop any hard feelings. That is all I have to give.

Moving on…after a very hectic day with The Boss and I going around and around over a project and leaving early to check on Mom, I got home and was referred to something very interesting. You’ve heard of Kill Bill’s “Death List Five?” It seems like The Beautiful Kind has written up what I unofficially nickname her “Sex List Twelve” (not counting the two already crossed off) of people she wants to fuck and take a look who appears at number four…

And what have we learned from this little experiment, kids?

Well…we’ve certainly heard all sorts of responses and approaches from guys writing to a girl’s online dating profile. Someone questioned me on how ethical this experiment might have been, but that doesn’t concern me as ethics is often just someone’s personal and sometimes dogmatic opinion. I look at what “is” and “isn’t,” and that’s exactly what I wanted to show guys out there what it looks like from the other side. But before we move on to my conclusion, how many total emails did our female receive in one month’s time?

Eighty-five.

You read that correctly. 8-5. Some of those letters were from the same guy writing multiple times, but there weren’t many of those so you have at least 77-80 unique suitors in one month’s time alone. The sheer amount of emails was driving me up a wall as I could hardly keep up with it all, and I’m just doing an experiment! How do you think a real girl is going to react to such bulk? At some point, she’s going to have to become more efficient and weed out letters as if they were junk mail. You might have a fabulous letter, but she might never know that if she skims your headline and her interest isn’t grabbed. Mine sure wasn’t, that’s for damned sure.

So what have we learned here? You would think some of these conclusions might be common sense, but apparently they’re not to the guys out there who pull stuff like our featured letters. So maybe some of this needs to be said again…

1. WRITE AN INTERESTING HEADLINE, GEEZ!

The most common headlines were variants of one to two worded greetings: Like “Hey.” “Hi.” “Hey there.” Or they didn’t bother writing a subject at all. I was shocked at this statistic…only 14% of men DID NOT write a headline that involved any of the above. Four-teen per-cent. And even of those 14% who weren’t guilty of the above, the subject lines were unimaginative and/or creepy…

• “any interest in an older man to spoil you rotten”
• “I like your profile…”
• “I know I am out of your age range”
• “Really would love to meet you”
• “New to town…”
• “Gentleman here! lol”
• “Doll I’m too old 4 u”

Guys! If THIS what your competition is writing, then this should be like shooting fish in a barrel! I could copy and paste lorem ipsum text and it would stand out better! It should NOT be hard to write a headline that stands out in an inbox that looks like this! In fact, she’ll probably be thanking you for it. Here’s a hint from someone who works around marketing, spam emails that have an open ended question in the headline are more likely to be opened…

2. If you’re too old for her, move on.

In our letters, 41% of men exceeded the girl’s specified maximum age that she wanted to date. Yes, it is true that out in the real world face to face, a girl will certainly overlook a guy’s age if he’s cute/charming/rich enough. Unfortunately statistics do count for more online and if you ignore this then she’ll likely view you as someone who didn’t bother to read her profile carefully enough. If you are nearly twice her age, then you’re simply going to look creepy. Also, what is up with the guys who write the “I know I am too old for you, but good luck” kind of letters? It is SO obvious that these guys ARE interested in the girl and think they’re slipping in under the radar, hoping that she notices them and will overlook their age. If you know that you’re too old for her, then why would you even bother to write?

3. Keep it brief, don’t talk your ear off about yourself.

Think about it, if you give away everything about yourself in the first introductory letter, what is there going to be to talk about on the date? If there’s one thing that I’ve learned about women - especially around my job - it’s that they love to play twenty questions and figure you out for themselves. So introduce yourself a bit, but keep your questions on her. Speaking of which, try avoiding the interview questions (”Where do you work? Where did you go to school?”) but target something on her interests and hobbies. I’m going to throw in something additional and maybe suggest you don’t target the most obvious thing. For example, I put a picture of the girl’s dog on her profile as bait and SURE ENOUGH, guys were commenting on the mutt right and left to earn her favor, or bragging that they work with and care for animals.

4. It’s a numbers game, but remember what numbers you’ve already played.

Yes indeed, online dating IS a numbers game as most women don’t respond. (Which amuses me when girls gripe that more guys should respond to their letters…pot, kettle, black.) So I don’t blame guys for playing numbers. But at the very least, remember who you contacted and don’t accidentally contact them again! There was more than one guy who did this and it was apparent that he was cutting and pasting the variations of the same response to different women.

5. Don’t contact her more than once if she doesn’t respond.

Ah yes, the guy who writes back after his letter goes unanswered. This screams neediness, obsession and weakness and is a quick guarantee that you’ll send her mouse cursor on the trash can icon. Contact her once, only once…and if she doesn’t respond then what’s the big deal? Her loss. Continue playing the numbers (and go back and read number four again!). Remember, until you meet them in person they’re all just electronic bits of information at that point.

6. Also…

I can’t say if this is a deal killer or not…just something that is a peeve of mine in all of these letters. Guys who say things like “I really enjoyed reading your profile.” “Your profile is awesome.” “Your profile caught my eye and you sound like a girl I would like to date.” Weeeellll…DUH. I think it’s clearly obvious that she caught your eye and you’re interested if you’re contacting her - no need to say it twice. Second, do people REALLY get enjoyment from reading a profile? Seriously, is a profile really “awesome?” Stupid me…all this time I never knew that the adrenaline rush from thillseeking, racing, roller coasters, partying and sex CAN’T POSSIBILY COMPARE to the AWESOMENESS of reading that Suzette1839 likes to play with her dog Sprinkles.

Oh right, and spellcheck your letters and/or profile. I don’t think it could hurt at all.

———-

So in conclusion…..online dating sucks and makes the baby Jesus cry. Stay away from it.

…..

…

….

….well, okay. I know people are still going to do it anyway, and don’t be surprised if I jump in again on it at some point. So if it’s going to happen, then all I have to say is that I hope clueless guys will look at this and understand what they’re doing and what the competition is doing. Useful information in the art of war.

So now go and do the exact opposite. You have an obligation to save some of these ladies from boring and dull guys like a good player does, that’s an order soldier! So get out there and let’s see some good letters! Dismissed!

There is no Zed or gimp here, just other random stories around town.

* I was having lunch with a few coworkers the other day and during our conversation, one of them brought up a situation when she was sleeping with a guy. (Surprising me because I haven’t heard my coworkers speak on their sex life before.) She talked about how she continued to stay with him “out of obligation” because he cried one day that “she was the best thing in his life and his life would be meaningless without her” or something to that effect. She ended up leaving him a month and a half later.

* In another coworker situation, my desk neighbor - a very friendly and beautiful blond - was away at the moment and her cellular phone rang. (The ringtone is that annoying and so radio OVERPLAYED “keep dreamin’, keep keep dreamin’” song, whomever sings that.) In less than 1-2 minutes, the phone rings again about three/four more times causing my other coworker to comment on not only the frequency of calls, but the damned song. Then as the coworker is returning to her desk, her office phone rings. She gets on the phone and it’s apparent that it’s her guy on the other end. “I told you I’d be at work!” she said. She calls him a psycho for calling her so repeatedly at that moment, and while she intended that lightheartedly the disgusted look on her face said otherwise.

* I was having a late night dinner with a friend the other weekend and he is currently in the midst of getting married. He mentioned that he had no problem with it and was happy with his situation, but concerned how she frequently has to come out with him (she does hang on him like a shirt thread) and there are some nights when he just wants a night with the guys…ALONE. “So tell her,” I replied. My friend chuckled and shook his head. “Nah…..it ain’t that simple…..” I stared at him again. “Why isn’t it that simple?” I asked. No response.

The final installment of letters, and we’re going out with a bang!

Not counting my conclusion (next FFE post), here we come up on the last edition of FFE…at least for now. (A social networking experiment like on MySpace could be interesting in the future.) I think I’ve covered a wide variety of responses as it were and the remaining letters I have aren’t unique at all (which is really the problem if you think about it.) Anyway, helping to wrap things up…once again The Beautiful Kind.

A 38 year old man writes…

“I saw your profile and nice pictures. You are a pretty gal with a nice smile. From your profile, you seem like a down-to-earth and nice gal. You are the type of gal whom I like to date. As for me, I’m an attorney who works hard but I also try to enjoy life. I’m a down-to-earth guy who tries to be respectful and nice to others. Also, I have a good sense of humor and am a romantic at heart. I stay in shape as best as I can by going to the gym twice a week and doing some jogging. I know there’s some distance between us but that doesnt’ bother me if it turns out that you are that special gal that I hope to meet. Have a good weekend.

P.S. Let me know if you would like for me to send you a picture. I don’t have 1 up with my profile for privacy reasons.”

The Virgin: This guy lives over eight hundred miles away from the girl’s location…that’s going to be one hell of a commute. He falls into the same traps that I see in so many emails…brags on himself while asking her nothing compelling enough to respond. He doesn’t have a picture up due to “privacy reasons?” Translation: “I’m too fat to fit in the photo.”

The Beautiful Kind: Fact: Lawyers are PERVERTS. The word “gal” is LAME. He is rich enough that he will fly to St Louis to nail her. That he has to search that far for pussy doesn’t speak well for him. Oh yeah, I know why he has to take his trolling out of state – because he is PARANOID and MARRIED. And definitely not in shape. I hate when men don’t pony up the goods – they are visual and like to ogle women’s pics, but then are so stingy with pics of their own. Again, privacy concerns = don’t want my wife to find out I have a profile on match.com.

A 38-year-old-man writes…

“If you are tired of drunk boys and would like to class things up, communicate on a deaper level and be treated like a lady then write back.”

The Virgin: A big part of communication is comprehension, and he didn’t comprehend on a “deap” enough level to notice that she’s looking for someone no older than 28.

The Beautiful Kind: He wants to take hot young chicks out to dinner and then sleep with them. Not very deep. But hey maybe he is talking about ESP! Now THAT would be deep. Such a casual pic for such a classy guy. He is acknowledging his out-of-range age by putting down his 20-something brothers. They’re all frat boys! Clearly he is superior vintage.

A 29-year-old man writes…

“Hi, what’s up… Curious, can I ask a quick question?”

The Virgin: This girl has a ton of emails filled with guys asking questions. You’re going to need to be a little more assertive and ask away, dude. And it better not be “What do you do for a living?” or “Where did you go to school?”

The Beautiful Kind: Wow. My gut instinct tells me that hitting “reply” to this message would be pointless. Sigh, I’m afraid he’s going to be left wondering for the rest of his days if she is a thong or boy shorts kinda girl.

A 25-year-old man writes…

“What kind of girl would be home on a Friday night?”

The Virgin: What kind of GUY would be home on a Friday night? Wait, I’m home on a Friday night as well. Uh…..ummmm….cough. Can we move on to the next letter, please?

The Beautiful Kind: Dude, his pickup truck must be broke down, so he’s sending SOS messages from his trailer. I think he wants a ride to the local watering hole so that they can get their party ON! Wrestling repeats on cable and all, yep this smacks of misguided desperation…

—-

These next two letters are from the same guy, one of the letters we already covered in the last edition. I admit that I goofed and missed that fact until TBK pointed this out. Hey, you try looking through this amount of emails and keeping up with everyone! (Oh wait…women already do.) In case you didn’t remember the letter or the responses, here it is again. I’m also restoring his name and TBK’s unedited response, it will make more sense that way.

A 25-year-old man writes…

“Hey there, Im Bobby. Yeah I like your profile. It is important to have as much fun as we can while we are young, and hitting up the clubs together is fun, but meeting people at those places just is not even worth the time anymore. I actually try to be a nice guy and a gentleman, and that generally gets me no where, especially in those type of places so I just dont bother lol. So I am actually Mr. Romance and it is great when it is actually appreciated. I am looking for someone who is interested in having a great time together and becoming close and going from there. Well that is me in a brief summary.”

The Virgin: This is one of those guys desperately trying to convince her that he’s sooooo romantic and a gentleman. Aside from that, it’s not a horrible letter but there’s nothing special about it either. By the way, “it’s important to have as much fun as we can while we are young?” If he thinks that you can’t have fun when you’re older, then what incentive is there to stay with him?

The Beautiful Kind: Avoid men with little boy names. Bobby?? Why not Bob or Rob or Robert? He cleverly plays the “lol” dance with her, showing her that he can be light hearted too. He is suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome which can also suggest that he is DULL.

Eight days later the same guy writes again…

“Hey Im Bobby, I guess I joined this site since striking up conversations beggining with “you wanna do a shot” is really lama and unfulfilling lol. I would like to have a little deeper conversation then discussing the alcohol content of random beverages lol. So I came across your profile and it caught my attention. I like the part about looking for a true gentlemen. I definitely do my best ot behave as such, since I like to be treated respectfully myself. I have been known to be the definite romantic type. It funny like everyone we all have ex’es that never appreciated anything, but I am the guy that all the friends of ex gf’s were like awe I wish I could find someone to do those type of things for me. I like to spoil my lady, and when it is riciprocated I think that is the greatest thing in the world. Mostly looking for someone who wants to just build a friendship and see what develops from it. I would really like to talk to you and get to know you. So tell me a little bit about yourself, what do you like to do for fun? What do you look for in a guy, and in friends in general? Im interested to talk to you soon.”

The Virgin: Ooooh, one sentence alone tells me so much about him. “…but I am the guy that all the friends of ex girlfriends were like ‘awe…I wish I could find someone to do those kinds of things for me.’” RIGHT THERE, that tells me that this guy is stuck in “friend zone” and the girls see him as a girlfriend than a serious lover. Here it is again… “Mostly looking for someone who wants to just build a friendship.” This guy is not aggressive and I can’t possibly see that translating well in the sack. And another thing…why are those ex-girlfriends he mentioned now his ex? Think about it.

The Beautiful Kind: Sigh, boring Bobby is back. Why don’t any women want to be spoiled these days?? And we get a double dose of the ever-endearing lol, aw shucks!

A guy with no profile writes…

“Shit I bet u couldn’t hang with me on a fri nite”

The Virgin: Good idea. Don’t hold your breath waiting for a response.

The Beautiful Kind: wtf?? Does he think this is myspace?

I take a bit of a trip down memory lane with a movie I remember from my childhood.

Let’s take a detour for a moment and talk about something completely random…I tripped across a little movie on YouTube that I’m going to be shocked if many people remember…that movie is Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night. Produced by Filmation (not Disney) and came out a little over twenty years ago (god, I am feeling so old right now…) in an era where we didn’t have computer animation that looks no different from one another. It was traditional animation, damn it.

I had COMPLETELY forgotten all about this movie…and just how dark and twisted it was. For one, there is a scene where Pinocchio drinks an unknown substance (at 4:30) and is visibly drunk, then crashes into a terrifying LSD kind of state. A common theme throughout the movie is taking your “freedom” for granted and selling/giving it up…which it’s obvious that they’re using “freedom” as a substitute for “soul.” The Emperor of the Night - voiced by the always awesome James Earl Jones - is the very image of Satan. Then of course, I could not forget one of the most demented and frightening scenes in the movie where Puppetino ensnares Pinocchio and forcefully turns him back into a puppet. Like rape in a way…

This movie would NOT work in today’s pussified-PC world….parents would be whining and crying about all of the above. I saw this as a child back in it’s original theatrical release and I didn’t see anything bad or wrong with it. Nor did my grandmother or mother. After all, the good guys won the day and the movie had a strong message about valuing your freedom to choose your own path in life. I really don’t understand what happened after the 80s that caused this society to become so weak and nitpicking every little “potential” offensive detail. Such people truly can’t see the forest for the trees, that’s for sure.

While the movie was hardly a classic or anything (though considerably better than those crappy straight-to-video Disney sequels), it’s just a shame we won’t see anything like this again. The songs are even half catchy (Twinkle’s performance of the carefree and indulging “Do What Makes You Happy” song (at 4:52) is my god-damned mantra)

But to be honest with you, there is one major memory that I associate with this movie above anything else…I remember going to see it with my childhood sweetheart, now long gone from this world.