V-Carded! An Twenty-something adult male's struggle with virginity and sexual frustration

Question time!

Kevin Chan writes:

Hey Virgin!

I’m an avid reader of yr blog and would like to hear your opinion on this post I wrote:

http://hamletshero.blogspot.com/2008/05/what-women-want-3-exact-same-thing-that.html

Somehow my ‘holy’ friends think sex shouldnt be a part of a wholesome relationship. What’s your stand on this?

Kevin, I agree with you and you are indeed spot on with your article. It took me a long time to understand the very topic that women do love sex just as much as men…and doesn’t always want any strings attached or necessarily it be with her current partner. (I’ll go into the “why” topic some other time, otherwise I’ll be writing all day. In the meanwhile, try reading The Sperm Wars by Robin Baker for more on this subject.) The book My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday was a book from the 70s which contains essays and interviews about the fantasies that women have going on in their minds. From being dominated, bestiality(!), and even infidelity…and quite a few of these essays come from married women!

Some humans want to believe so much that sex isn’t important to a good relationship, but we feel attraction towards another person for a reason. Our bodies are saying that we have spotted a very suitable mate for us. Our bodies are saying that they have very suitable genes to create attractive offspring. Then our bodies tell us that we want to have sex with them. And what is the primary purpose of sex? Procreation.

Many people don’t want to accept this, but marriage is a human-created ritual and is NOT necessary in ensuring the survival of the human race. Do dogs get married? Cats? Squirrels? Rabbits? No. We might be more intelligent as a race but our purpose of procreation still mirrors other creatures. What if humans never came up with a marriage ritual and they just pairbonded? What would that say of sex then?

My purpose in the above is to point out that there are very valid reasons why humans explore sex. Let’s back out of the scientific portion of it and deal with it on a more human level. Would you take a job without knowing what you’re going to be making, whom you’re working with or if you’re even right for the job? That is very true of choosing a partner as well. Marriage is a serious, serious commitment and you had better know what you’re getting into. Which most people do not…the divorce rate is so high for a reason.

There are people out there who believe that sex is unnecessary, love is more important, sex should be saved for marriage, etc. But all this opens up is a bigger chance for them to either be disappointed or depraved in bed. When things become far too vanilla or they become unhappy in the relationship (and they might not always realize “why”), their mind starts to wonder and opens up to “other” possibilities. From there, all it will take is a new mate to come along that supersedes all qualities in the current mate and gives him/her the desire they’re looking for (which shouldn’t be hard if the current mate is not trying) and it’s all over for the relationship. Such as this woman who is disenchanted with her marriage intelligently points out in this article titled “Sorry, but marriage and sex DON’T go together.”

For example, I had a religious coworker who married at 21 to an also religious girl. He admitted to me one day that she was a dud in the sack and never wanted to sleep with him (last I talked to him, they only had sex twice…and one of those was a mercy fuck after his mother developed cancer and he was upset). She might be giving him morals and excuses, but what she’s REALLY conveying is that she isn’t that interested in him and he could feel that rejection. A few months after they got married, he was seen fooling around with the new girl in the office that was recently hired.

Ultimately I think so many people are not realistic with their emotions and biological desires that they become confused, so they attempt to rationalize it and tell themselves excuses like “true love waits” and “the media is poisoning our minds with sex.” (Yet the radio and television is only a blip in the LONG history of human sexuality and only reflects what humans are already doing in the bedroom.) Yet if they encounter the person that turns on all their attraction switches and they give in (and they WILL), they will rationalize it again. The word “love” might be one of the biggest rationalizations humans give for their attraction.

Or if we want to get even simpler, we can disregard all of the above and put it simply this way: if humans weren’t meant to have satisfying sex, God wouldn’t have given us the equipment and the hormones to do it with

Posted May 31st, 2008 in Psychology

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