V-Carded! An Twenty-something adult male's struggle with virginity and sexual frustration

Hit stop after the 60 minute marker on the DVD, that’s all you need to watch.

The movie Hitch was on cable the other week. It came very close to a Hall of Shame consideration for completely punking out during the second half of the movie, but I ultimately spared it as it still did a lot of things right in the first hour of the movie. So we’ll just talk about it here.

The premise of the movie: Alex Hitchens (“Hitch”) is a “date doctor” that is an expert on the mind of the opposite sex and offers consultation for men interested in winning a particular woman’s heart. His latest client is Albert Brennaman, a clumsy and awkward fellow who has an eye for celebrity Allegra Cole. During the events of the movie, Hitch falls for Sara Melas, a gossip columnist who is determined to expose the unidentified “date doctor” after her best friend has a bad experience with a supposed client.

As I said, the first half of the movie is good and surprisingly accurate on seduction techniques and theories. I especially liked Hitch’s opening monologue and every creepy “nice guy” should take notice.

…No woman wakes up saying “God I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today. Now she might say “This is a really bad time for me.” Or something like, “I just need some space.” Or my personal favorite “I’m really into my career right now.” You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Because she’s lying to you, that’s why. You understand me? Lying. It’s not a bad time for her. She doesn’t need any space. She may be into her career…but what she’s really saying is, “Get away from me now.” Or possibly, “Try harder, stupid.” …… Of course she’ll lie to you. She’s a nice person, she doesn’t wanna hurt your feelings. What else is she gonna say? She doesn’t even know you. Yet.

The best scene in the movie was a flashback to Hitch in college as a completely clueless dork and it will hit home with a lot of guys, even myself. He makes every mistake in the book such as giggling un-masculinely around a pretty woman (one of my friends does the same thing around women and you can see them cringe), going on and on with the “I love you’s,” and just acting simply happy to be around her. He finally gets a reality check when he catches his woman making out with another man in the car and starts pleading and whining “What did I do wrong?” The new guy humorously replies “Dude…dude, you’re doing it right now!”

I also laughed at the Sara Melas character because her jaded personality and ability to predict breakups reminds me of myself a bit.

“Did I call it or did I call it? I mean, what did I say, six months? And when was her first date? So five-and-a-half? God, I hate it when I’m right.”

Sadly, this movie falls completely apart in the second half when Hitch realizes that Albert had attracted Allegra all on her own and that he never did anything at all. Bull-fucking-shit. Despite Allegra being attracted to Albert’s quirky qualities, Albert would NEVER had the confidence to approach or speak up to Allegra if Hitch hadn’t been coaching him. That’s why he called Hitch after all. To steal a phrase from seduction guru Style, author of The Game, Hitch helped Albert become his BEST self.

I’m not going into the other problems I had with the “Hollywood ending” with Hitch and Sara getting back together as the whole second to final scene was just strange and awkwardly played out. So just watch it for yourself and decide.

Let’s put it this way….even if acting like a chump seems to get the girl in the movies, they never show what happens to the couple after the ending credits.

Posted April 3rd, 2008 in Reviews

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